What is it I want?

For the past week or two I have been reading a book called Safely Home. Near the end of the book I was crying, a lot. As I was in the final chapters I stopped to reflect on why these emotions were overcoming me, heck I was not sure what these emotions were. Ten minutes, and a lot of writing, later I figured it out.

These emotions were longing. I was longing for suffering (the book takes place in China. There is a lot of martyrs). Not pain, but the experience, to confirm, if only to myself, that I would stick up for my faith.

Well today I was reading another book, The Weight of Glory, yet another great book. In this essay Lewis talks of how we have these feeling, astounding emotions, which we easily mistake for something else.

Have you ever seen the sunset on a beautiful clear day?

How about seeing the stars on a moonless night, with no city lights to distract you?

Perhaps you have had the privilege to see Yosemite in the Spring?

Imagine that feeling, which consumes your utter being in the presence of Beauty.

That, and only that is the pain of Beauty.

Hmm. . . .

So I have not really been keeping an up-to-date blog, although I do journal most days. As for why. . . Good question. I really am not sure what has been keeping me from the blogosphere. Maybe it is just busyness. . .



Perhaps it has all to do with my fear of trust. Trusting all the people that I know will see this blog. Or is it the fear of rejection, fear that no one will read what I have to say. Will I ever know. . .



So here is my rebelling. Rebelling against all these things. Whether it be busyness, laziness, or fear. Whatever the case I plan on bloging.