Anxiety

Sometimes I have anxiety attacks at work. Which causes me to freak out and post stupid things on facebook and my blog. Then people trip. And think I'm suicidal or something. Which has not happen in years.
So in any case, for those few readers I apparently do have, thank you for caring so much. And no, I'm not doing too bad. Sometimes I just freak out and I can explode on someone or write it here. So I figure writing it here is better.
But yes, my faith in Christ is not dead. But I'm not quite sure where it is heading. It's hard to think that with all the other belief systems out there that Christ is the only way. Or even that He is THE Truth. I'm probably just questioning everything because of all the recent changes in my life. But still.
So prayer would be great, thanks (:

Ugh.

Days like these are killers. I feel like shit. I'm loathing my life. And worst of all I've gotten two tickets today. Fix it tickets, but still. And I forgot to pay my registration on my car, ergo I have to go down to the DMV to registrar it. Which is gonna be like $100 that I don't really have. And then I have rent waayyy sooner than I normally do because it's fucking February.

Then they are going to tell me I have to go do a smog check, which is another $50 I don't have. Then after all that is done I have to fix my license plate and put it on the bumper because I got an $80 ticket because it was not affixed to the bumper (fucking stupid pointless laws). So I have to find the right screw for that. And then the lights on the back bumper don't work so I'm going to have to figure out what to do with that. Because anytime I drive at night the cops are going to pull me over because I don't have the lights on. I'll more than likely get a ticket for that. Yay, another fix-it ticket.

There is also the dentist, who I owe $170 to. And then I have to get insurance next month because my year is up, so I have to have something like $300 or more to "open" my account again.

And if you couldn't tell already I'm feeling very pessimistic today.

And to top it all off my faith is slowly dying. I'm trying to do everything in my power to save it, but nothing is working. And it scares the fucking hell out of me. I guess I'll just keep praying, not like I have anything else I can do.

Half of me is glad that no one reads this, the other half is sad that people don't care about me.

Oh! And there's that part! I'm one of the most self-centered people I know. I mean look at this blog, all I ever talk about is me! Hahahahaha!

Maybe that's why Christ and I are not doing so well, because my ego does not want to let Him in. I don't know. With Christianity there is so much to do, it's all so hard. And you have to self-sacrifice. Which is not easy in any way/shape/form. It is so anti-human.

Part of me just wants to scream at God, ask Him why he is doing this. And there is the part of me that KNOWS that I don't even deserve to live, let alone be so lucky as to live in one of the most wealthy countries in the world.

And I wouldn't be surprised if all this anger and sadness is all from breaking up with Promise. Because grief of any kind never hits me quickly. It takes awhile and then paralyzes me.

It's days like these I really miss her...

Life and how it goes

Sometimes I don't even know what to say or how to say it. But I know that there is something super important that I just really need and want to say. It's really not fun.

My brain fails...

Bitching time

Wow. So one time I had to change out a user's printer. Their default printer. AKA the printer they never really see. And I have to email them to tell them that I changed out their printer. Even though they would never notice. I'm just not understanding why this is necessary. They don't care, as long as it works. So why do I have to waste the time writing them and everyone these stupid emails that they will just delete?

Okay, I feel better now.

Ugh

That is pretty much all that needs to be said.

Breakups

This seriously sucks.

< 3 = :(

It sucks lurking my aunt's facebook.