Clay.

Why do people always use the "God's a stone-worker, He has to form you, sometimes it hurts." analogy? I think that it is crap. God only has to do that if you won't change. If you are flexible, like clay, then He is not going to hurt you. Sure He will mold you, shape you, make you more and more like Him.
It does not have to hurt people, just be like clay. Let Him shape you. Let Him perfect you. It's like if a cop pulls you over, if you pull over and take the ticket, that's as far as it goes. If you keep driving, things are not going to be any better, just worse.

I don't know if I'm making any sense, but then what does it matter? This blog is more for me than for others anyway.

Interesting. . .

On Wednesday night I went to the Tithemi house of prayer thing. It was really cool, at first I didn't really think about getting prayed for much. Then a friend say there was still "awkwardness in the air" and asked if there was anyone hiding anything. Boy did she call me out. So then I told them about being depressed and whatnot.
Yay God, because I'm so much better. Sure, I'm not quite perfect, I still get a bit down at times, but I still fell happiness. Before all I felt was distractions and sorrow.

Yay God.

Depression.

So basically i have been "depressed" for the last few years. Only recently have I understood that it has been this bad. I really don't know what to do about it. It really is not fun. I don't know what to do. . .

God's crazy!

It never ceases to amaze me that God moves. And not just, "The Holy Spirit" made me think this was better than that. He uses healing, prophesy, and other crazy real things. I have never felt this close to God before. And before, when I used to get "close" to Him I was not sinning and things were going really good. Not I'm not doing perfectly, but still better. It is a whole different experience seeing God show up. Not like before when I really just had an idea of what God was like. Not like now, now I know that God uses healing. I know that He can do strange and crazy things. He does it because people listen when they see someone get healed or someone know something that they could not have known.

Anyhow, I brought a friend of mine to Thithemi Sunday night. He hurt his leg and basically he has to use cruthches for the next few weeks until his body heals itself or not. If it ends up not healing then he is going to need more sugery and then he'll be in a wheelchair for a few months. So I brought him to Tith thinking that we could pray healing over his leg, get that sucka fixed. Well we did, the chronic pain is gone. He still is unable to lock his knee, but that's life. So until next week he will be okay. Yay God!!!

Now the question that I have is, how do I do it? It can't be as simple as Eric makes it look, can it?

People leave.

I don't really know how to cope with people leaving. I have never been very good at it. For example my best friend, James, moved to Maryland in '06. For about six months after he left I was really depressed. I think that is because he was one of the first people that I have opened up to. Now I have a few more friends that I have opened up to, but it is still a small number. The worst part is that they are all leaving. They are going off to college, going to make something of themselves. While I will still live with my parents in Yucipa, still go to a community college, just trying to get by.
It's odd, because, theoreticly, I don't mind living with my parents, I don't mind going to community college, I don't mind how my life is. Yet I still feel this massive weight on my chest. I still wonder why this is happening to me. Why can't I be somewhat "normal"? I don't think there is anything wrong with being different, but being like this is more than different, it's being broken.
People always talk about this hole in thier heart that Jesus has filled up. Well I guess that would accurately describe my current situation, although Jesus has not filled it. And I don't know why He is letting it go on. Why hasn't He pulled me under protection from evil.

Broken,
Adam