life is weird
life is strange
its never the same
different every day
but oddly not
like seeing an old acquaintance
from years past
different face
body
features
maybe even structure
yet still a glimpse of the same
person you once knew

sometimes
i don't know what to say
or do
to calm you
to make you understand
i'd go to hell and back
for you
believe it or not
you're something special
something different
from what i've known
yet something a kin
to what i've known
it makes no sense
not to you
not to me
but that's okay
just let it be
realize that i care
really i do
and if that doesn't help
or comfort you
then i'm sorry
that's all i can say
or maybe there's more
i'll give it a go

you make me smile
most of the time
without even trying
all you need to do
is be you
and there it goes
that smile across my lips
forcing my teeth to show
it's kind of annoying sometimes
i don' think you know
i'm used to being in control
of how i act and feel
but not so much
when i'm with you
things are different then
i don't really know what to do
or how to act
or what to say
but does it really matter?
i don't think that it does
all that matters when i'm with you
is that i'm with you
and that's all i could ask for

i feel like i'm rambaling now
just tryping away
for no perticular reason
nothing more to say
but i don't know
i just feel the need to continue
to let my fings hit the keys
perhaps i'm just in
a cheesy mood
or a "creative" one
lol
me creative
what a ridiculous though
i just am having fun
getting my thoughts out
lettting it be
hoping to show her
one day
how much she means to me
i don't know if she'll ever
really realize how much
she means to me.
maybe she will
i wonder if i mean the same to her....
or if i'm just the first
guy that she's falling for....
i hope that's not the case
i don't think it is, but you never know
it is possible
how ever slight the chance
it still exists...

and with that
i'm going to bed
it call my name, that cursed sleep
oh sleep please let me dream
good dreams
not the terrors that
you seem to give to me
night after night....

of all the people in this world
that i've lost to
death, suicide, and life
perhaps the one i miss the most
isn't my grandma
nor my aunt
nor my dear friend Rachel
the one i miss the most
is the one still alive
yet living so far away
in a place where i can't see him
nor hardly stay in touch
because life does that
it can easily divide
when someone dies
it's over, and you know it
when someone moves, it's not quite over
but it seems like it is
you don't really know
how can it be any kind of friendship
like it used to be
but maybe that's the point
or maybe it's not
i don't even know
what i'm saying
or writing
or thinking
it just happens
and i let it be

how the hell am i supposed to do this
it's frustrating, difficult, and not fun
it's anti-fun in fact
un fun
boo.
i kind of wish that i knew what i was
signing up for in this
but nope
i didn't get to know
until it was too late.
perhaps that's a good thing
because im not sure that i would have
made the choices ive mad
if i knew how long it would be
until i reach that closeness
that level of interest
intimacy
love

one day ill know
if it is worth it
im pretty sure it will be
but honestly
how can i know?
how can anyone know?

though people really do act
like they know
how can they?
they don't know a damn thing
they just say they know
because it makes it easier.
that way their living in their fantasy world
where things are perfect.
but thats not how it works
things are not perfect
they are fucked up
broken
sad
insecure
and real

im glad that i do my best
to live in a world
where left is actually left
and right is actually right
up is up
and down is down

people and their illusions of grandeur
where they have what they want
things like they want
people how they want them
children living how they want them to live
but its not real
its a fantasy.

I think I'm going to die.
This is great, minus one thing.
But that thing, is important.
Like really, really, really important.
How do people do it?

RIP

you've lived a good life

struggling for a lot time

fighting diseases

arthritis

and shit people 

shouldn't have to deal with

now it's off to the grave

the abyss

obliteration

or the happily ever after

and it's like peter said

death is the next great adventure

anyhow any case

i'll miss you my grandma

i really did love you

i sure as hell hope

you get a happily ever after

why is it all i wanna do is slap everyone that i talk to?
Like for real, i'm just pissed at everyone for nothing.
luckily i've not been too much of an asshole. only a bit.

sleep is my enemy, yet he hates me
we fight, like cats and dogs
back and forth
one day we're good
the next we fight
torn between pleasant dreams
and horrid nightmares
he can't decide
let adam sleep?
or wake him up?

who knows why
this entity hates me
yet loves me so
he just likes to do
whatever he wants
i guess it
is all
just his
mood?
or need for the moment
or maybe
i'm being ridiculous
perhaps sleep
isn't an entity at all?
maybe he's just
what my body does
to get things from
my subconscious
to my conscious...
nah
that's crazy
there has to be a reason
rhyme
and method
to everything
right?

my dreams are annoying me

I just woke up and had to write this down as soon as I could, here's my nightmare:


it was Halloween and i was running around. there was this long tunnel that i was walking through
then i randomly yelled
i heard my sister yell too
so i started to look around for her.
i found her stuck in this pipe thing. not sure what it was
then i started to look for a way to help her get out of it
then i went to this church for some odd reason
it was their pipe i guess.
then there was this whole big ordeal about how the pipe didn't exist
it was not really what people thought it was
people didn't really get lost in this pipe
all the while i was angry because i knew that people really did get lost and stuck in the pipe
then i started to speak out, and yelled at the speaker about it.
he walk walking around the room.
then there was this long video on the screen about how the tunnels are not real.
there was a lot of scary weird pictures in the video.
after that these scary guys in masks (like the ones that Zuko wears in avitar the last air bender) started doing this massive dance thing.
They ended up throwing these sticks at my.
they used to be twirling these sticks.
it really was hurting me and almost starting to paralyze me.
then i looked around and everyone was just laughing about it
apparently i was getting what i deserve bc i spoke up.
i started to chance down the speaker guy. he ran into one of the tunnels.
i got really lost and ended up stuck. just like my sister was before.
Then things got really bad and scary (I realized I was dreaming)
then i forced myself to wake up.
I woke up sweating and freaked out, yet tired and wanting to go back to sleep. Not sure what I'm going to do considering I have to be at work at 6:30 ):

sometimes i think this girl is going to be the end of my sanity....
or at least the end of my being able to sleep at night.

not in a bad way, but i just don't think i'll ever really understand her.
it's weird.
because she makes sense, and i see where she's coming from.
but the problem is i don't understand.

oh and then she sometimes brings up a subject only to say let's talk about it later.
then i'm suck awake all night worrying.

i sure hope that our schedules don't conflict this badly next semester...
i'd sure like to see her more often than a few times a week.

Work week

A 12 day work week is annoying. Ugh.