A_call_to_love

So I meditate somewhat regularly. I recently started doing yoga in addition to getting back into climbing frequently.
Suffice to say I feel pretty good physically. But there's been something that's bothering me a lot lately.

A few times in my meditation sessions I've noticed a strong/powerful urge/desire to love everyone. I also got into a semi-bad place one session. I was able to move past it by thinking/chanting/praying, "I love everyone. Please give me the suffering of others to help them out, as I can handle it right now."
It was odd. And that theme has been popping up a lot, perhaps it's something divine, or external, perhaps it's myself, doesn't matter.
What I do know is that I have this strong thing moving me toward being more loving to all. And I should follow it. But for some reason it scares the hell out of me...

what_are_regrets_anyway

What is a regret?

Regret is a negative conscious and emotional reaction to personal past acts and behaviors. Regret is often expressed by the term "sorry." Regret is often a feeling of sadness, shame, embarrassment, depression, annoyance, or guilt, after one acts in a manner and later wishes not to have done so.

So to regret you have to think about previous actions. Or is regret that feeling you get when you think of a missed opportunity?

The moral of the story is am I regretting things? Is that good? How does one 'live with no regrets'? Perhaps I'm just wired this way...God I hope I didn't make a mistake.

Venting is good for you, right?

Ughhh, this is how I feel. I don't want to deal with these emotions and feelings and stupid thoughts.
Was that the right choice? Did I kill something with my impatience? Do I have unrealistic expectations? What's wrong with me? Am I insane? Am I not?
Is pretending you're okay, when you're not okay, the right thing? The wrong thing?
Does any of this matter? Will I regret my choices in 20 years? Will I even think of them? Should I even think like this? Shouldn't I be in the moment? Is that good or bad? Does staying 'in the moment' prevent me from setting long term goals? Does it hinder things? Perhaps I should be 'in the moment' and think about the future a bit, and the past a bit, but not dwell for too long.

Idk, lib.ais.

Are you ready? Here are legit emotions, yawn. GOOOoooo!!
......
......
......
......
......
......
Indeed the vessel holding my consciousness is quite...daft when it comes to what humans call 'emotions'. It sees anger and doesn't understand how to present that to the world. Others do a great job of inflicting their angry upon the world/society/friends/etc, but this body can't. This poor useless body doesn't externally express emotions, even though it should.

Word association? Or a secret message?

Angry sad annoyed frustrated horny pissed angsty upset excited pissed scared longing desire anguish lust illusion passion lies lier hate hatred.

Hopeful relaxed serene pleasant calm relax eat food fun beer friends money car payments insurance dmv license drugs angry hate lust joy pain beauty banana dick.

Girls dumb annoying difficult odd quirky fun interesting fun.

Impulse stupid fun dumb bad fun fun fun interesting spice variety life good.

Anguish a manual impulse horny.

life is life and it's odd

Days like this are odd. Strange even. Not that the day is bad at all. Just a strange turn of events. Work, meditation, reading, television, etc. Normal routine, abnormal emotions/feelings/thoughts.

Which I ponder, what exactly is the difference between thoughts/emotions. Smarter people than I have likely written books about this.

Thoughts can cause emotions. Emotions can cause thoughts. So is there really any difference? Perhaps there is a difference for semantic reasons? At the end of the day, does it matter if the thought of murder caused anger? Or that the anger caused thoughts of murder? How can we know what came first? What exactly is this 'consciousness' we have? What is this 'I' we refer to?

Oh let's look to Freud should we? The ID, the Ego, the SuperEgo. 3 things. Let's just take all the complexity of a human and shrink it down to 3 things. And not only is the number of things we shrunk it down to small, no but it's that magical number, 3.
3 days after Christ was buried he rose again. The trinity, god, holy ghost, christ.
It's amazing how numbers have meanings in ways they 'shouldn't'.

So what is 'I'? What is the use of 'I'? What a concept if you think about it (you being the 'I' that I'm referring to). Wondering, what good does thinking in 'first-person' do for us? Perhaps we should live in the present and stop thinking of ourselves as 'I'. Interesting, thinking about what language would be like, sans the 'I'. Not even just the word, or the concept, but what would the world look like, if we were we, people were people, there was no 'I', nor a 'you', just a 'we'.

what_is_love

Love is simple and complex.
It's not the magic chemicals you feel when you're with someone, yet it is.
There are not many people I love, I have a short list. Likely you're on it. It doesn't mean I am romantically interested in you, though I might be/might have been/might in the future. It just means that you're someone I care about.
I love my family like I love my friends.
If I love you, it means at 2 am when you call, I'll answer the phone (if it wakes me up).
If I love you, it means I like talking to you, I like spending time with you, it means so much more than the magic chemicals.
To all my friends/family, I love you. I want you all to know it.
I might not be around, I'm not great at keeping in touch, and I might be busy.
But I love you, if you need anything, I'll do what I can.
*hugs all around*

Yay being intimate...
*pukes*

psPost

adam@adam_brain:~$ps -aux

 15:15:55 up  4:24,  5 users,  load average: 0.32, 0.39, 0.44
USER     TTY      FROM             LOGIN@   IDLE   JCPU   PCPU WHAT
adam     tty7     :0               10:52    4:23m 13:57   0.10s init --user
adam     pts/12   :0:S.0           10:52    2:03   0.80s  0.80s vim psPost
adam     pts/14   :0               11:40    1:24m  0.14s  0.11s ssh feelings
adam     pts/17   :0:S.3           15:14    3.00s  0.05s  0.00s w

adam@adam_brain:~$ ssh heart
ssh: Could not resolve hostname heart: Name or service not known

adam@adam_brain:~$ ping heart
ping: unknown host heart

adam@adam_brain:~$ cat /etc/hosts
127.0.0.1       localhost
127.0.1.1       adam_brain
192.168.256.390       heart

# The following lines are desirable for IPv6 capable hosts
::1     ip6-localhost ip6-loopback
fe00::0 ip6-localnet
ff00::0 ip6-mcastprefix
ff02::1 ip6-allnodes
ff02::2 ip6-allrouters

adam@adam_brain:~$ ping 192.168.256.390
ping: unknown host 192.168.256.390

adam@adam_brain:~$ whoami
adam

adam@adam_brain:~$ whatis adam
adam: nothing appropriate.

adam@adam_brain:~$ whereis adam
adam: unknown

adam@adam_brain:~$ cat /etc/hostname
adam_brain
adam@adam_brain:~$ ping adam_brain
PING adam_brain (127.0.1.1) 56(84) bytes of data.
64 bytes from adam_brain (127.0.1.1): icmp_seq=1 ttl=64 time=0.034 ms
64 bytes from adam_brain (127.0.1.1): icmp_seq=2 ttl=64 time=0.039 ms
64 bytes from adam_brain (127.0.1.1): icmp_seq=3 ttl=64 time=0.043 ms
^C
--- adam_brain ping statistics ---
3 packets transmitted, 3 received, 0% packet loss, time 1998ms
rtt min/avg/max/mdev = 0.034/0.038/0.043/0.008 ms

adam@adam_brain:~$ sed -i 's/192.168.256.390/172.0.1.1/' /etc/hosts

adam@adam_brain:~$ cat /etc/hosts
127.0.0.1       localhost
127.0.1.1       adam_brain
127.0.1.1       heart

# The following lines are desirable for IPv6 capable hosts
::1     ip6-localhost ip6-loopback
fe00::0 ip6-localnet
ff00::0 ip6-mcastprefix
ff02::1 ip6-allnodes
ff02::2 ip6-allrouters

adam@adam_brain:~$ ping heart
PING heart (127.0.1.1) 56(84) bytes of data.
64 bytes from heart (127.0.1.1): icmp_seq=1 ttl=64 time=0.039 ms
64 bytes from heart (127.0.1.1): icmp_seq=2 ttl=64 time=0.044 ms
^C
--- heart ping statistics ---
2 packets transmitted, 2 received, 0% packet loss, time 1000ms
rtt min/avg/max/mdev = 0.039/0.041/0.044/0.006 ms

adam@adam_brain:~$ cvlc ff_fanfare.mp3

that_damn_moment

That damn moment. When there's not a lot on your mind other than that one person. It's not a bad thing, I don't think so, but it's kind of annoying at the same time as I'd rather be thinking and wondering about other things. But no, I'm distracted. By this person I just want to continuously talk to.
*sigh*
Time for a T-break. Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Well I'll be forced into one rather soon here regardless...So I wonder, should I just say fuxk it all and enjoy what I've got while I've got it? Or should I continue to try and keep my cool.
Avoid the vortex that I might get swept into, or look it in the face and say, "I know what you are, I'm fine with that. I'll be okay getting sucked in, tossed around, beaten up, and thrown out, used, broken, and hurting."

Fuxk it. You only live once, I'd rather try my hardest. Regrets are shite and I don't want them.

ugh_this_cursed_life

Fuxk spelling and grammer, deal with it typos and all, misspellings and all:

days like these I just wonder what's the point.
Not of living, but more of caring. Why should I care? Why should anyone care? What's the point of it? Is there a point? does it make us better people are something?
I don't realy know, does anyone know?
So many question marks pleuging my thoughts and words and concepts and ideas. But I guess that is how things go sometimes. Whatever, I'll get used to it, or deal with it, or kill people. Ha! I don't htink I would ever be able to kill another person. I really would not want to. God maybe I could. That thought scares me, fills me with terror, dread and fright. Not a fun thinkg to think of so I'll move on to another.
Perhaps the world could be perfect if only the mindsets of people changed. We can do it, I raelly belive that we can, it just is going to take a lot of effort from all of us. We need to understand that things do not come easily and that things require work. If we work our asses off, I really do believe, maybe because I'm an optimist, that we can change things. It can be done. Nothing is imposossible. Nothing. That's a fact. Sure somethings are higlyl unlikely to happen, but there are a lot of things that can be done. A lot. We can change the world, its's not that complicated, it's not that hard, we can do it. I just wish that other people thought like that as wel, that would make for a fanstasitc world where people gave a damn and triced to change it.

*sigh* I just want people to care. That's not that much to ask is it? Just give half a fuxk. Not to other people, ubt to things. Should I give my fuxk to those that don't return it? *sigh*
Damnit I hate this wor.ld.

Commitment_is_what?

First let's assume that we are always changing as humans, which we might not be.
If we are always changing as humans does that mean it's pointless to try and commit to things? I don't mean 'oh I'll commit to going to X show/movie/etc' I mean long-term commitments. Marriage, religion, vegetarianism, veganism, pacifism, celibacy, etc.


If we take a nihilist view then sure. Why commit when things are useless? Not only that but why would one, with a nihilistic view every care to make a commitment? Perhaps I'm not as well read on the subject as I ought to be before making judgments like this, but I'll just glide over that for now.


If we take an existentialistic view then we'd have to decide if we think everyone should stick to their commitments, if they make them. We'd also need to decide if commitment is something worthy of the required effort for people as a whole.


So this brings the question to mind, what prevents people from holding to commitments?

If we look at marriage we might assume it's society. Society used to say (and still does in parts of the world) that marriage is something you don't get out of. In the 1950's one didn't just end a marriage, these days it's significantly easier for a number of reasons. It's not as big a taboo, 'everyone is doing it', the ideal of 'Love' has changed, etc. For these reasons and more, divorce is now 'okay'. Ideally no one wants to get divorce, no. We all want our precious perfect relationship to work, yet that's not how it goes. Is it because we have become lazy with love? Decided that the ideal we have now, 'fuzzy feelings', 'being in love', and other such factors are more important than the traditional ideals?
Speaking of the traditional ideals, are those even worth our time/effort? I may be wrong due to my age, but I thought the traditional ideals of love were stick together because you made a commitment. Rough patches come and go for all, right? But, is that not what they were?
So this is a whole different topic, about love (the key in marriage? or is dedication the key to marriages that last?) which I won't venture into at the moment.

Let's look at the commitment of pacifism, how often does one take a vow, personal or public, and gives up on that commitment? A pacifist that ends up going to war, is that breaking his ideal if he's drafted? Does that make a difference? Perhaps the pacifist gets annoyed at a person and wishes to take a swing at them. What do they do? Nothing in an ideal world. What sometimes happens, they take that swing. What caused that swing? A desire to retaliate against words or actions. So if that desire is 'pure', a desire to protect an innocent, does the pacifist break the commitment? One could say it depends on what they vowed. Take the following vow for example, "I will not, under any circumstances, harm another human."
With that vow, taking a swing at another will always be a breach of their vow. So even to save another's life, the pacifist would not be able to use means of harm. Yes we could get into what it means to harm another, instead let's call harm any action of self which might cause bodily harm. An example being a punch.


What are the main forces that prevent people from keeping commitments?
Is it their desires?

So I wonder then, what (if any) correlation there is between an atheistic society and commitments. Are religious people, who are more likely to commit to things, more or less likely to keep their commitments?

This is quite interesting to me.
So...

perspective_of_the_cross

So there I was, just chilling with a few friends, when out of nowhere a bunch of jews decide to grab me. Little did I know they thought I was a heretic and a blasphemer. All I was doing was tying to get people to do some nice things. Love each other, nothing complicated. Apparently I pissed off the Man.
So out of nowhere they pick me up. Treat me like a terrorist or something. I mean, come on, seriously!
*sigh*
I knew it was coming, being God's son and all, but it still hurt.
The Pharisees took me to the Romans, they imprisoned me, put my poor ass up on a cross. Have you ever had that happen to you? I would recommend against it. Shit was not cash. It was uncomfortable in ways you can't imagine. Everything in my body hurt, every time I tried to relax my aching muscles it hurt more. And this went on for hours, until my body just quit, said 'I'm out, have fun.'
After that I spent three beautiful and glorious days chilling in Hell with my man Satan. You can't imagine the parties we had, raging night and night, getting so high and fuxked up on anything and everything imaginable. It was the time of my eternity.
On that last day/night/whatever dad calls down to me, 'Time to return to Earth, my son.' Goddamnit.
*sigh*
So then I returned, did some more magic to wow the crowds. Finally made my way back to boring old home, where everyone, all the time is singing glory for dad. Holy holy holy is he. Wooo.
*sigh*
I miss Hell.

bucket_list

Lists of stuff to do, places to see, and other things.
Created 2/26/2014

Things to be done:
Sky dive
Climb Halfdome
Run a Marathon at 50
Cliff dive
Learn to sail
Learn the piano

Places to visit:
Paris
Tokyo
Venice
Pisa
New York City
Ireland
Iceland
Scotland
Estonia
Sweden
Switzerland
Finland
Sudan
Tunisia
Turkey
Cape town
Johannesburg

knowing_others

You lie to yourself, you lie to me, you lie to your family, your friends, yourself.
Why are these lies all you know? Is there more that you know? Do you know how the truth works? Does it just frighten you? Are you afraid of the light?
What is projection? How does it work? Is that a thing? Or is that what we see, but don't want to believe?
Vibes, what is that shit? Moments of clarity? Visions of truth? Times where our unconscious is able to discern reality from fiction?
What would it look like, to feel what another feels? Would we gain clarity? Or would we just be confused, by the ideas, ideals, realities that another exist in?
Can one every really 'know another person'? Is that an ideal that is impossible, something unreachable, a desire people have that can't be attained?

'Everyone dies alone' is a scary phrase. But the truth seems to agree with it. Is that so bad? Is that wrong? Does it really matter if we die, with or without people?

things_and_people_and_places

Things:
Frustration
annoyance
intrigue
hatred
loathing
kindness
caring
wishing
dreaming
comming
hating
revealing
unraveling
reveling
revolting
changing
growing
changing
changing
changing

People:
Family
friends
lovers
enemies
coworkers
aquantances
strangers
haters
lovers
growers
showers
students
teachers
professors
regressers
regressers
regeresers

Places:
London
paris
italy
rome
new york
orlando
miami
boulder
chicago
utah
san fransisco
san fransisco
san fransisco

mexican_breakdown

That was one of the more odd experiences of my life. It was not fun, not good, not enjoyable. I had a fuxking breakdown in a restaurant. I freaked out, maybe a panic/anxiety attack? I don't really know. All I know is I hated it with every fibre of my being. I want to be alone. Not forever, no. I just don't know what to do, or if I should even put into words the feelings.

So I had a panic attack, that's the best way to put it. I don't really know the cause of it. Perhaps it was just the amount of people I interacted with today? Or was it something else? I don't really know. But regardless, I feel a lot better. Esp after I just let everything go, let myself feel everything. Let the tidal wave of emotions flow and just went along for the ride. There's still some left, but it's not as bad. It's tame in comparison. I can feel it there, just under the surface. Just waiting for another time, when I don't want it to happen.

The best part was the shit that was going through my mind. Crazy thoughts, paranoid thoughts, just me worrying. Freaking out wondering what was going on, am I crazy? Why can't I trust people? What is wrong with me?

There's no point to anything is there? What's the point of love? Or Art? Or anything? Who cares? Who will care in 5 years? 10 years? 2000 years? No one, everything I do will be forgotten, lost. Yet I still care. I should not care, I should not burden others with this. I should just let it pass. Ignore it. Fight it.
Yet fighting it doesn't seem to do anything. It just delays the inevitable. The breakdown.

Here goes nothing/everything:

I crumble, break and,
freak out at times.
And perhaps it gets into
my head, my heart, all
that I am.
I just don't know how
to express the way
that I am.
Who I am. What I am.
I'm an alien, a freak,
a monster, an evil,
scary human being.

Am I doomed to this?
Or those I care about
doomed as well?
Can I control it?
Or am I a failure?
I don't want to admit,
these feelings that over
take me and cause such
drama and pain.

I don't want to be the one
that causes a scene, an event,
something to behold.
Why?
What should I care?
Perhaps this is just
what I'm pinning this on,
is there something under it.
Something more? Something villainous?
Evil in me, hatred in me, loathing
in me.

I want to cry, scream, yell,
and figure this out. I want
the answers, I want to know
that I'm not alone in this.
That there are others,
feeling this way, being
this way. But how do I
find them? Oh yeah,
I need to trust them.
I am required to be the
first one to make it
known.

Can't I just follow another?
Have them figure this out
for me?

who_am_I_who_will_I_be

Will I every love anyone as much as I seem to love myself? Or am I cursed to always be the narcissist I am? Perhaps not? God damn I hope not. Zeus, Hara, anyone that's listening, please God or Gods give me a little piece of humanity. Of caring and loving others. Curse my nature. It's not 'evil' but it makes me sad, often. I want to care and love everyone, but the more I try the more I fail. Perhaps I'm just broken.
Rejected by Divine Favour? Or maybe this is just how I am. Is this something I should just accept? Something I should flee from? Or is there a point?
I've seen a lot of rather scary patterns in my life, women and how I treat them, friends and how I loose them, jobs and how I hate them. What can I do? Is this something I can change? Or am I doomed to believe, what someone once said, 'I am what I am.'

Though the more I think of it the more I can't handle that. No!! I'd rather be miserable and try to force changes upon myself than give leave to such evil in myself. I refuse. I want to do great and just things. I wnat to be good. I want to lead people, to help people learn, to change the evils in the world. I can't deal with this world. And I'm 'strong' and 'sane' by the words of friends who's opinions I hold dear. So I must keep going. I have to. I must.
I will not be this man in a month, I'll be better. And in two I'll be better than I am in one. That's my only true, real, honest goal in life. To become, as time continues, a better and better person. God give me strength.

place_of_fools

Life's a place of fools
In love, lust, or desire.
Why is it we humans always
Want something more, friendship
Is great, but we always want more.

Evolutionary remnants in a society
Where reproduction is unnecessary?
Perhaps there's more to it,
All the talk of a soul
Of a love that can't be denied.

No
Yes
What?
Where?

Can we ever know? Or is that
The curse of being a simple
Human being?

missed_moment_of_clarity

Possibly the worst thing, at least for those that write
Is to forget, a moment of clarity. Something perfect
Beautiful.
Already written in your head, at a
Moment when you can't get it down.
Then when you finally have that moment comes
It's gone. Away. Lost
Forever.

And the vain attempts to recall
Sitting around for hours, hoping to remember
Even just a bit. Just a word, phrase, rhyme.
Anything you can.

Unfortunately that's not how it goes.
If it was then everyone would be poets
Of great renown.

One last bit of thinking from this fuxked up head of mine.

Will I ever have close friends? It's so strange because anyone I've tried to get close to lately, just doesn't seem to care. They vanish oddly quick.
It's like I'm interesting and fun at first, but once I start to get 'real', they bounce.
I wonder why this is. Is it because I'm just not fun to be around? Or is it something else? Am I boring? Too crazy. Too strange? Are they just busy with other things?
Why is it my closest friend is more than 3 times my age? Is that normal? Am I an 'old soul'? Or do I just wish I was? Am I cranky? Annoying? What is it?

God damn I hate when I'm in this kind of a mood.

Ode to a missing friend.

Dear XXXXXX,
I miss you, I wish you were here. I could always talk to you, for hours and hours on end. You were so kind, yet a person of your own. You had walls that were unique. There were there, but once someone was a friend to you, all the walls fell down. Crumbled. It was such a beautiful thing. You were and will always be an inspiration to me. I will always continue to try my hardest to be as open as you were. Maybe you still are, somewhere out there, maybe closer than we know. I don't know about that kind of shit.
Oh friend I miss you, gods I hope that you're somewhere happy. Or at least you're not conscious.

me being me

Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I don't.
Why can't I just continue to love myself.
It's stupid how frivolous I can be
With money, sex, love,
And all other kinds of bullshit.
Will I ever be whole,
Fulfilled,
Happy.
Happy, what is that,
Really?
Are people ever happy,
Or is that fake, false,
Lies, and deceit.
Will I ever know?

thoughts_on_01_31_14

Here we go, mind dump, fully and freely just letting it all go.
I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do. I just want things to be perfect.
Why is that? Is that a fault? Is that a good thing? Or should I not even worry about it?
It's so strange how much I can feel. Not feeling as in the sand on the beach, though that's lovely.
More like feelings, emotions, the stuff that people write about.
The stuff people die over.
The kinds of things that seem to be, at least to me, eternal.
Why is it these common human emotions are consistently written about?
We all feel special, yet are we? Or are we just all the fuxking same?
Snowflakes? Or clones? Does anyone know?
Probably not, that would make it too damn easy.
And that's not the way life is.
Life is, 'A bitch with a 10 inch strapon.'
Ouch.
It hurts, often, burns, kills even.
The lovely things people write about, and the shitty ones, are all common.
Are there really 'unique' views? Or in our ever connected world, are we all alike?