Backlog of angst poems

Time fleeting, written several months ago.

----

Thinking about the fact
This might not work
This might not last
Hurts. Because everything in me
wants to be with you. Always
Even when I think you're being judgmental,
Annoying, conceited or otherwise ridiculous.
It doesn't matter
What matters
Who really cares, as long as you're around
Nothing really matters

Words written by you
Always astound me
Always cause pondering
Words, so inaccurate
Without a clue
Without a hint
Time leaving
No love
No pain
Time fleeting

----

IFLS-2, written the night it ended the 2nd time.

I feel like shit

I can't sleep

not without special liquid help

And a cigarette or two

What is wrong with me

I thought I had this shit

figured out

I was wrong

Way too wrong

Maybe it's just a phase

someday I'll have my shit together

But not now

not here

not today

Why?

Because it's hard

to pretend

everything's all right

I've done that

tried it

been there

done that

It's lame.

bullshit

which I've become

a master of

So maybe I'll be honest

tell people how I really think

what I care about

what I don't

who 

I 

Am

Maybe...

----

IFLS-3, written a few weeks ago.

I can't fucking believe this

you left me like this

after Rachel died

while my faith has died

during all the shit going down in my life

I just wish you were here

you could hold me like you used to

but no longer

Not anymore, you're gone now

from my life, forever

I want it so badly

but there is no way

not anymore

No hope

for you and I

I wish there was

But you broke it off with me

needing space to change

to become your own person

And honestly

unless you are able to see reason

we can never get back together

I hope you see the light

become enlightened

realize that there is no way

The cross can be

It's false

fake

bullshit

Don't let your life be controlled

by these things people did

2000 years ago.

My current thoughts on the natural vs the supernatural

Basically it goes like this, there are things that we, using science, understand. And there are things we, using science, don't understand. I think that the supernatural has not been explained much because of:

a) People that are more skeptical about those kinds of things don't put themselves in situations where things could happen. And they are unable to "do" any of it because they are completely shut down to the possibility because of the human condition. They don't want to make a change or consider another option.

b) There is a high possibility that governments/big corporations/whatever are keeping things like this from us, because they do keep stuff from us. And it is also very likely that not only do they know about the supernatural, but maybe they even know the science behind it all. Maybe they deem the world not ready, who knows. And maybe they don't try and keep it under wraps, just another possibility.

All in all, I really have no fucking clue.

Styles

What is it that makes someone have good style?
Just to clear things up, I'll be talking about style as in; hair, clothes, shoes, accessories (watches, earrings, tattoos, etc). Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking what makes someone look good, that's a whole different topic in and of itself.
So from my limited knowledge, I think that good style is more than, "What makes you feel good." Because I know there are a lot of really bad hair styles out there. And while a bad hair style might make you feel good, if it doesn't look good, or at least acceptable, then don't do it.
Another thing I've heard about good style, "Something that makes you look good." While I do understand that, I don't fully agree. While good style should compliment your physical appearance, it should also compliment your personality. Because as shitty as it is, first impressions are important. Very important, especially to potential employers. Therefore you would want to wear something that makes you look good, yet compliments your personality for a job interview.

From what I've heard, read, and thought my conclusion would have to be; good style is something that is hard/impossible to put into any category. It's so relative to each person and to each culture.

My issues with Fundamental Christianity (2)

The Bible as the infallible word of God:
I don't see how or why a bunch of people that were "holy" 1600 years ago are able to decide what is or is not scripture. They actually just took forever and ended up agreeing on something.
I've heard that the Holy Spirit is what gave them that authority, but then did it give that same authority to Luther? If so, why are Hebrews, James, Jude, and Revelation still in the Protestant Bible?
And

It just does not make sense that the Bible can be the infallible, holy, perfect word of God. And that's a major issue with Fundamental Christianity.

Wearing your emotions on your sleeve

I've started to notice, my style mirrors my mood.
Even if I've got something that I HAVE to dress up for, I will. But if I'm feeling like shit my hair will sort of match that. If not my hair then maybe I was lazy and picked my super comfortable yet not amazingly attractive chucks.
The funny thing is, I've never done it consciously. Now I'll probably be really conscious of it... But maybe not. I don't think I get get my brain to function to those higher levels anytime before eight am.

It's odd these little things that I notice about myself from time to time.
I wonder if anyone else does the same...

New stance on Politics?

Education (for ALL) is the most important thing. Seriously, I don't care if we're a Socialist or Libertarian, all I want is for people to get a good education without having to pay for it.

Yes, I understand that is Socialist of me. But come on. 

I don't care about the health care.

Nor do I care much about anything else.

I just want to be sure that people have a REAL chance at a good education.

Not this bullshit system that we have. It's not the worst in the world, but we should be able to do better. Seriously. We're a world power, yet we have so many resources, why can't we just get the most important things right?

My brain has days like this one

Days like these are very difficult. I don't really know why... They just are.
My brain does not want to work correctly.
Everything is rushing through my head at a ridiculous pace.
It's frustrating.
*sigh*

Crazy, random, thoughtful? things inspired by being on hold

Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing
I understand the reasons and logic behind
these thoughts and actions
But sometimes I just don't really know what I'm doing

-

I wonder
from time to time
if I've made a mistake
with the way I do life
Maybe I'm wrong in all this?
Perhaps not
Can one really know
if they are doing it right?

No

-

Just to make Lonny cringe q:

Oh what a day this has been
Freaking out, about this and that
Running around again and again
My hair so dead and flat
It makes me want to fly...
I mean...it makes me want to cry

-

Here I sit
waiting for you
to just talk to me
help me through this problem
But no
You're busy on the line
helping others
people that were
able to call you first
Fine
I'm confident in knowing
you will answer my call
when you can.

Things like this scary me quite a bit.

http://jotman.blogspot.com/2010/04/wikileak-video-us-drone-kills-civilians.html

This is just flat crazy how much fucking control the media has over what the general populace of our country sees...

Another restless night

I woke up at 5 this morning from a quite interesting nightmare.
I was just hanging out with a bunch of friends in LA, it was just before sunset. Out of nowhere we hear this really odd poping sound. So we look around and see what looks like something just crash landed.
Non  of us have any idea what is going on. Then all of the sudden something shoots up from the ground. About half a mile away.
And we watch all these small things shoot out of this oddly shaped piece of metal.
At about that point we realize that this is the next generation of atomic weaponry. So the little balls get shot out of the metal everywhere. It was almost like they were homing in on us.
And then I remember, when one of them hit me it sprayed a gas.
Then I remember laying on the ground thinking, "this is it..."

Crazy dreams of mine.

Plans for today

1. Don't leave my apartment until 5, I need a mental health day
2. Take a lot of small naps that replenish me
3. Watch copious amounts of TV/Movies because I can
4. Read a lot of good books, or pages of books
5. Oh yeah, and figure out the answers to life's problems. Can't forget that one

Every once and awhile there is a thing that goes around?

Yes, I know, I know, the blog title does not make any sense at all. But it's okay.


You know what bugs me? When people make assumptions. 
For example people assume that I'm "different now" or that I've "changed so much". Well they are right. I've stopped hiding specific aspects of myself from specific groups of people. Now, while I might not shout from the rooftops, I won't deny things.
And it's interesting, because I'm more prone to being open now, there are rumors going around. And honestly I don't care. Very honestly the narcissistic part of me kind of likes it. 
Yikes!! I just broke a big rule here! I am not lying to myself and saying I hate it with every fiber of my being. Craziness!! 
I think that I'm starting to like the honest me. Because then people actually know who you are, at least more than if you have a lot of walls.

Things that can make me laugh a lot

I’m back!  Looks like Obama care is working.  I had to appear before an Obama death squad.  They told me an amputation is extremely painful and I would likely not live through it.  I could chose either anesthesia where I would gently go to sleep and not feel a thing (probably forever!) or drink a few shots of Whisky and bit down on a bullet.  Well, years of marriage and pain training with R told me the whisky was the right answer.  Apparently the Obama death squad recognized that as normal behavior and sent me home. 

From: R

Sent: Tuesday, May 18, 2010 11:39 AM

To: All

Subject: Out all Day

B will not be coming in.  Has to have further tests to see if amputating his left leg is imminent or can wait for the weekend.   Assuming he can find a suitable cane he will be in tomorrow.

These are the people I work with. Loves it!

There are days and times that I wonder.

And I think I realize, I might be trying to hard with this blog of mine. It is very likely.

Maybe I'm just taking myself too seriously? But that's okay, life goes on (:

Sorry to the few readers I have that I'm boring and emo, lol.

Things that go bump in the night are not nearly as terrifying as people would have you believe

The power is out in my building because of something or another. But that's okay (:
It gave me a good reason to go buy candles. And boy, do I love candlelight!
So I've been able to get to bed before midnight, because the only temptation to stay up super late is Xbox or my laptop. Both of which require power.
The major downside, my water heater is electric ): 
Cold showers sure wake you up in the morning. Not my favorite.

John Mayer and his epicness

John Mayer is epic, in every way. Even when he fails, he fails epically. But he's a damn good musician at that. So it works for him. Perhaps he can be a bit of a douche and asshole. But at least he's honest.
I'd rather be an honest asshole than a lying saint.

But all that to say, I'm super excited to go see him with my brother. I'm taking him for his 17th Birthday.
Gonna be a night to remember!

The hardest things about this brief span of time called life

People

Money

Sex

Drugs

Death

It starts with people

Every time

Fragments of types of places of people...

Life is going on
even though I thought it wouldn't
Nice to see that this world
is not just all about me
Boy, oh boy
what a scary place that would be
A universe, where it's all about me...

-

As a great man once said,
"Nothing to do, nowhere to be
A simple little kind of free
Nothing to do, no one but me
And that's all I need."


-

Sometimes my brain works in overtime
Not the typical human brain working in overtime
no
My brain takes things to a whole new level
where every little thing I think
is transformed into something
Weird
different
or useless
And I think I like it.

2 am musings after seeing Paramore

Can I just say that Paramore is one of the best live performers I've seen. Ever.
Haily Williams can put on a damn good show. And boy does that girl command the stage!

In other random news, this may have been one of the best weekends I've had in a long time. Which is nice.I'm glad to finally start feeling rather normal again. Ish.

IFLS-1

I feel like shit.


Fuck I'm scared
I don't know what to do
was it all fake?
Or am I just falling out of love
just as quickly
as I fall into it?

Maybe I just loved
the thought of her
Hand on my neck
face in my hand
Sweet words whispered
afraid to even admit

Thoughts that swim through my head at 12:10

Why? Everything seemed to be getting better. I thought you were okay. Were you just lying to me?
And if you were, what else were you lying about? Can I even trust you? Could I ever trust you?
Did you just make me the fool? Because I trusted you.
Fully, completely, totally.
Then shit got real. My trust left, not unlike a bird when you walk by. Why did it happen that way?
Did you ever even care? Do you care anymore? I don't know what to think or believe now.
I can't understand why you did it. I want to. Perhaps one day I will. If you decide to ever talk to me again.
And if not, fine. Life goes on, so they say.

Sometimes I wonder if you knew from the start and just were lying to yourself from the beginning. It's very likely.
And I know that soon I'll be okay. Free from these feelings welling up inside me. But right now, I'm heartbroken and untrusting. But that's okay.
Life will continue. Or as some say, "This too shall pass"
Now, if only to make my emotions feel that way.

The ultimate goal in this brief span of time known as a life

Contentment. Seriously.
To just be, okay. Wouldn't that be nice. To just not want anything else. To not have to look towards the future. To just be happy with the here and now.
Someday I'll find that peace. Sometime I'll just be content.
Is it a mindset? Is it a feeling?
And is it even good, to feel content?
Because once you're content, why would you keep striving to make great changes, or to improve yourself or the world around you?

Maybe that's the problem...perhaps we are all to content with the way things are. I wonder...

More than a year strong

Once upon a time there was a guy named Adam. Through a crazy-random happenstance, Adam met James Paul Vincent Arther Black. Now James Paul Vincent Arther Black (aka Paul) was a fellow dabbler of TV/movies/video games/literature. After Paul had a look at Adam's bookshelf he realized that they both had a nearly identical collection. Odd. Odd indeed thought Paul. So Paul inquired if Adam had been a part of Biola Academy, which he had. And that was the start of a beautiful friendship.

A few weeks later Paul met Kyle, Adam's best friend. Then somehow the topic of Battlestar Galactica came up. They figured they should watch it sometime.

So a few Wednesday's later, guy's night was formed. And while we have finished the epic that is Battlestar Galactica, we are still hanging out one night a week. Watching movies, hanging out, and having a good old time.

Yay!

Things to do with an over abundance of energy

Sometimes there are those times where an over abundance of energy just hits me. It's quite impressive, I work so quickly and efficiently that it almost scares me. I really love it when I work like this. Too bad it does not happen all the time.

Or maybe it is the fish oils and amino acids that I have been taking to supplement my lack of both?

Anyhow somethings that I wish I could do right now:

Sky dive, that would be a lot of fun! Anyone out there that would go with me?

Work out, maybe get some of this freaking energy out of my system.

Fly a kite, just sounds like the thing to do.

Clean my apt, why do I never have energy like this when I need to clean?

And the list goes on and on.

Wow, this post has had no point at all, cool.

That's life

I used to believe

in crazy things

like love, God, and Christianity

Now I'm not sure

I don't have a clue

what to do, with this life of mine

Heart broken to pieces

no one to love

to give my attention

"That's life" they say

people that know

the way things are, or aren't, or shouldn't be

I wish it was comforting

but it's not

instead it just hurts me

drives me insane

With wonder, lust, sadness, and confusion

"Someday you'll understand"

Perhaps they are right

I wonder indeed

if these feelings in me

will ever receded.

I doubt it

there's no way

that I'll ever be

the way I used to be.

And I'm okay with that.

Cage fight

I wrote this back in 2006. Sometime in September. It is amazing how different my thought process has become.

Imagine that you are in a cage fight. There is no audience, no press, just you, your opponent, and your couches. How would you do? This is something I wrote shortly after watching a cage fighting match. Hope it helps.

    At first you just give him a huge punch, throwing him to the ground, before you can do anything there is a fist flying toward your face. At that moment you think of how screwed you are, is there anyway to get back up after a hit like that?

    Yes. You stand up and look into the eyes of your opponent. See his weakness, know he is only human. Remember all the strength you have, through all that training and hard work. Use those techniques which were taught to you. Do not simply let your impulses take over,  that is suicide in a fight of this magnitude. Instead listen to your coach, hear his wise words, "Don't let him on top of you!"

    Roll. Jump up. Always moving, never still. For being still is the only opportunity for your opponent to trap you, when there is no opportunity, there is no trap. As you move, notice he is having a hard time keeping up with you.

    Strike! Once to his jaw, he falls. As he falls make sure there is no getting up. Excellent. Grappling is what you were made for. The two of you struggle for a minute on the ground, landing body shots on each other. With the adrenaline flowing you barely notice that you are bleeding. He hits your face and switches places.

Crap. He is on top. What can you do now? You are being pummeled by a seres of hard blows to your stomach and abdomen. Thud, thud, thud. Just as you are starting to loose hope you hear your coach, "Hit his stomach!"

    You suddenly remember a technique. As your opponent lifts his right arm for a punch to the face you squirm to the right and hit his face with your left elbow. Thud! Before he knows what is happening you twist hard. As you throw him to the left you throw your right arm around his neck, catching it with your left hand. Rear naked choke hold. Sweat dripping you tighten your hold on his neck. You feel three taps on your arm. Freeing him from the hold you slowly stand. The referee declares you the winner. The taste of victory over a fight that seemed impossible at first.

Although this is quite an exaggeration, I still feel that it is a nice allegory of the struggle with sin. Each sin is a different opponent. Some are much easier to beat, but there are those which seem invincible. The only way to get past an opponent like that is to remember your training, His Word. Train hard in the Word of God and it is like building up muscle. And the techniques can be like friends, always have someone to talk to, about what you are going though. And at times you will forget them, but when you do remember, they are the most powerful thing. Always listen to God, your coach, for He will never deceive you. Training with Him is the most important part of being able to fight. He teaches you the techniques, He helps you train, He is your master. Through prayer is is possible to hear God's voice, although it can be hard at times.

I hope that this illustration can help you as much as it helped me.

Go under the Mercy,

Adam

Kick-ass

A friend of mine recently wrote about "The Flip Side" of Kick-Ass. Which made me wonder, I've seen that movie three times, why didn't I write something on this blog of mine?
So that's what I'm here to do.

Hit Girl is my hero. Big Daddy is a bad ass. Kick-Ass is...brave.

The movie was one of the better satire's that I've seen in a long time. While the acting was not perfect, it was very well done. In my option Cloe Moretz stole the show. She was the reason that I went to see the movie three times in theaters. That's unprecedented for me.
And I've seen this young actress in 500 Days of Summer. And she was fantastic. After a look at her IMDB page you'll realize that she is the voice of Darby on My friends Tigger and Pooh. And I absolutely love that fact!
She goes from cute, sweet, nice, and innocent to crazy, amazing, more-bad-ass-than-I'll-ever-be, and foul-mouthed. It is just some beautiful irony.

They also shot some spectacular scenes in this film. Everything from good old action movie slow-mo, to very trippy first-person view. The cinematography was just great. Not quite as experimental as 500 Days of Summer, but nearly as stunning.

While there are some reviews out there that find the movie disturbing, which I can understand, I think they've missed the point. Yes it was a dark satire made for adults. And yes there are going to be those fucking stupid parents that let their six-year-old child watch it. But what's the difference if it's an eleven-year-old girl doing the killing or a forty-year-old man? Killing is killing, no matter how you look at it.

So basically, go see this movie if you are not on the squeamish side. Yes it's violent, yes it's crude, but it was one of my favorite movies in a long time. And that does not happen all that often.

Renters advice on how the world works

Once upon a time I wrote on how I moved out. Correction, I wrote that I moved out.

Well just over a year later I have figured out a lot of things about living on your own. Here are a few:
Saving money is difficult for the most part
Paying rent sucks some months more than others
The independence is worth the rent money
There's no place like home
I can have quite here when I want it
It only gets as messy as I let it
A dishwasher is something to be valued
As is an oven
Laundry mats can be sketchy places
Live above a bar can be very weird
It is easy to take things given to you for granted
This life's a roller coaster
Writing checks can be dangerous
The ability to invite people over whenever you want is great

That is more than enough for now.

My issues with Fundamental Christianity (1)

As it stands I have a few problems that don't allow me to believe in Christianity. Here is the first one.

1. The Garden of Eden:

    God makes Adam from the mud, then tells him (and Eve hears about it somehow) not to eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Then the serpent (not specified as Satan...) tells Eve she would not die, but that she would be like God, and have the knowledge of good and evil (at this point Eve does NOT have the knowledge of good and evil). So then Eve eats of the tree, and somehow she convinces Adam to eat of it too. So Eve disobeyed God and Adam followed. So God curses them all for their wrong doings (Yet Adam and Eve did not have the knowledge of good and evil...). Then this crasiness happens:

 ²² And Jehovah God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil; and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever- (Genesis 3:22, American Standard Version)

What the hell does that mean?! So to become God all one has to do is have the knowledge of good and evil, and then eat of the tree of life? It just does not make any sense.
So basically Adam and Eve (without the knowledge of good and evil, so like a child?) eat the fruit and get punished. But not only do they get punished, no. This is a lasting punishment. For every man and woman (and serpent) henceforth.

2 am and six hours to go

Six hours till work. Yet I'm still awake. Wondering if I'll ever sleep again. Just when I thought things were starting to look up, I was starting to fall asleep before 12. But nope. I fall asleep at 9, wake up at 11. Stay up for awhile. Fall asleep at 1, wake up at 2. Never anyway for me to get some rest. Boo.
But that's okay, sleep is kind of a waste of time anyway. I'm not the type that would normally sleep anyhow. I'm not part of the mentally stable group of people. But that's okay. I deal with it.

And now, for a random rant:
I'm not a fan of the answer to everything being something superstitious. Shesh.

Next on my reading list

The Case for Christ. It will be interesting.
I'm reading it because my mom said I should. Then she agreed to read The Christian Delusion if I read TCC. So I figure, why not? I'm hoping there's some legit evidence that I can stand by.
I'll be very interested to see what her thoughts are on Loftus' collaboration. It's quite an impressive book.

Also, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance is quite interesting. I'm enjoying Pirsig's outlook on human thought. And the way that he describes his thoughts, very well done.

And finally, working full-time at one job is the best thing ever. Seriously nice.

For those that care, some shitty writing that kinda just happened.

You are familiar, comfortable

fun and easy to be around

And there are some problems

when you're around

But mostly

the doubt floods in

when you're not around

Why is that?

Is it because of things you've said and done

people you've cared for

those you hate, and those you love

Or is it all about my personal feelings

about you, me, us, love, marriage

Honestly, I don't know what I think

about those things, or if I even think

love is

worth shit.

The biggest problem of all

is me

Not the person I am

nor the person I'll be

it's just... me.

The way I think

through, in, and around

time, place, and sound

Does that make sense?

can you grasp it

is it intelligent

or illiterate?

All these words from the keyboard

sometimes I wonder

where they really come from

I know there are those, that say

this is the real me

When they write

but I don't know

if this is just a way to vent

get my crazy feelings out

or if this is the real Adam...