Sometimes I tear up
thinking of friends
that used to be so close
yet now are far
away from me
out in life
enjoying their lives
with girlfriends
wifes
boyfriends
husbands
sigh....

It's not like I hate them for that
it's just that I miss them, a lot
people that once where
the closest of friends
have now become
friends I love, to death and back
yet I hardly see them
and then my mind starts a buzzing
wondering things that I know the answer to
"are they avoiding me? do they hate me?
what did I do?"
I know, really I do
that they are just busy with life
love, work, school
it's nothing against me
I'm not that special
but what can I do?
my brain just does it without my control
without even trying or caring about my thoughts
about being rational
about thinking and those smart, intelligent kinds of things.
It bugs me when it does this.

Things that happen whilst intoxicated are strange and hilarious

As per my Twitter:
Alcohol does 20 dmg to willpower. Can't drink until I level that sh*t up. Last night, drank wine, got pack, smoked 5, threw away. On Day 1.


So yeah, I slipped up last night. Here's the full story:
I was hanging out with friends last night. We all had some wine, but then most of them had to go after only a few hours. So my friend and I drank a little more wine (my mistake was made here), then we just chatted for a bit. After a few mins the wine hit him pretty hard and he is all like, "I gotta goto sleep!" And then he passes out. On my way to my bed I get this (at the time) great idea to buy cigs, smoke some, then throw them away. So I walk my ass over to CVS and buy a pack. Then I goto a bench and just chain smoke around 5 of them. Then I tear up the rest and throw them away.


And that's why I'm back on Day 1.

Drive?

I've got this strange feeling. Like I want to just go, away. Not forever, but just take time away from this all. But at the same time, I don't know if I'd really enjoy that, being gone, away from friends and family. All these people that I love/care about/enjoy talking to. It would be odd, to just drive. Get away. Drive until I stop driving.
Wonder lust. That's this feeling
It's weird. I don't know why I have it. What it "means"
Am I bored with the way I'm living live? Do I just want a cigarette? I don't get it.
I don't understand. It's frustrating.
I don't want to be here.
But don't want to see people (minus a few) or really interact with them. I just want to drive, get out of here. Be somewhere else. So maybe that's what I'll do, drive. Just drive...

Thoughts put into weird grammar and lots of returns

Sometimes I feel like I just don't get it

don't understand this life of mine

The constant beating of my heart

constant thoughts in my head

They go on and on, why?

What is it that makes me go forward

makes me live another day?

I know of the sciences behind it

the Truth of it all

But I still wonder, with these feelings of mine

why do I go on

Is it love that keeps me moving?

perhaps it is, but i don't think so

I feel like it's more than that

more than love

more than the science behind this all

I know you can't really "will" your life away

but if you just didn't care

would it end? 

Not by fancy things like pills, guns, rope, or cars

but by the sheer force of will

Is that possible?

does that happen?

Some say that old people

after their partners die

don't survive more than a few years

Why is that? 

is it because

without love

commitment

companionship

etc

that you just can't really make it?

is that it? Is that the secret to a full life?

Something as simple as love?

-

There's this girl

she's smart cute n funny

I enjoy her company 

she enjoys mine

I like how she doesn't mind

things I do

will do

or have done

While there are things that she won't do

not with me

not with anybody

it's okay

She doesn't judge anyone

which is weird to me

because so many people I know

are willing to judge everyone else

it's not a big deal to them

it's normal

expected even

and honestly, the more i hangout with that crowd

the more that I become like them

while "you are what you eat"

isn't quite right, it almost applies

to me

to who i am

How i spend my time and money

the people I love

the people I hate

it's like i'm not my own person

I just try to blend in

is it good, bad, or indifferent?

i surly don't know, I wish i did

will i ever really know

who i am...

-

people are stupid

they bug me

annoy me

frustrate me

i know they dont mean it

they dont hate me

they just care

about themselves

more than anything

is it wrong

to think like that

i dont know

maybe its all that we are

all we can be

selfish creatures

wanting to please

only ourselves

not giving a damn

about anyone else

or maybe thats wrong

it could be that we

as humans

are just another animal

caring only about

our safety and tribe

our group

our circle

or is that wrong

i mean

who wouldnt die

for family 

friends

lovers

and country

if you knew that it would safe lives

would you do it?

i cant speak for all

not even most

but i know what i would do

if it can to that choice

that decision

me or them

selfish or selfless

but honestly

who is more selfless

the man that dies for others

or the man that lives for others?

Can I just say, holy shit!
People getting married and engaged left and right! It's intense!!
And quite scary.
I'm surprised at how scary this is...it's weird because as scary as it is, it's also quite exciting.
I'm nervous for them, excited, afraid I'll loose my best friend (doubtful...), and not sure if he's making the right choice...
It's prolly just me being stupid and emotional and then the quiting smoking isn't helping anything out...
*sigh*
Life is so complicated and frustrating, yet awesome (:
I guess my biggest fear is of the changes that will be taking place in the next few months. Quite a lot is going to change...it'll be weird.

Smoking cigarettes was never a good idea

Yeah I'm done smoking (:
Been wanting to quit for months now, but there's this girl that is helping to motivate me.
Got the gum and everything. Made it FB official. Even told co-workers to hold me accountable.
It's happening (:

"Why Don't He Lend a Hand" by Samuel Porter Putnam

Why Don’t He Lend a Hand






You say there is a God
Above the boundless sky,
A wise and wondrous deity
Whose strength none can defy.
You say that he is seated
Upon a throne most grand,
Millions of angels at his beck—
Why don’t he lend a hand?
See how the earth is moaning,
What countless tears are shed,
See how the plague stalks forward
And brave and sweet lie dead.
Homes burn and hearts are breaking,
Grim murder stains the land;
You say he is omnipotent—
Why don’t he lend a hand?
Behold, injustice conquers;
Pain curses every hour;
The good and true and beautiful
Are trampled like the flower.
You say he is our father,
That what he wills doth stand;
If he is thus almighty
Why don’t he tend a hand?
What is this monarch doing
Upon his golden throne,
To right the wrong stupendous,
Give joy instead of moan?
With his resistless majesty,
Each force at his command,
Each law his own creation—
Why don’t he lend a hand?
Alas! I fear he’s sleeping,
Or is himself a dream,
A bubble on thought’s ocean,
Our fancy’s fading gleam.
We look in vain to find him
Upon his throne so grand,
Then turn your vision earthward—
‘Tis we must lend a hand.
‘Tis we must grasp the lightning.
And plow the rugged soil;
‘Tis we must beat back suffering,
And plague and murder foil;
‘Tis we must build the paradise
And bravely right the wrong;
The god above us faileth,
The god within is strong.

Future dream

My dream:
In 50-100 years Religion will just be something that you do because your parents/grandparents/etc have always done it. There will be no one that takes their holy book literally. Everyone will have their own different concepts of god/gods/spirits/whatever. And we won't even think of doing stupid/evil things like burning books.
A world where there are no creationists, no flat earth believers, no one that thinks, 'believe what I do or die.'
Wouldn't that be grand?
Unfortunately the religious always seem to have more kids. Then they teach their kids their own personal views, which is totally normal and understandable. But then again, there will always be those that brainwash their children with religion.
Sometimes I wonder if it will ever end. I sure hope so...

All I have to say is:

If you burn a Quran on 9/11, the anniversary of all those deaths, you are fucking stupid. That is letting the terrorists (a RADICAL Islamic group) win. You have to understand that, right? Do you even understand the word? TERROR-ist. Terror.
They are using it to make us all fight against each other.
The left hating the right
The right hating the left
And loads of people hatting anyone that is a Muslim.
Do you think the radicals (the ones that think the normal Muslim community is week) really give a fuck about how their people are treated? They only care about themselves and their jealous, vain, self-rightous, man-made Allah.
So are they going to care if you're burning their holy books? Yeah, it's likely. But you know who would be sad if they saw THAT as a response to 9/11? Those that will be slowly forgotten in 9/11. And if you're going to "burn a Quran in XXXXXX's name" then fuck you very much. What an inept way to "remember" a loved one, with hate.

Okay all that being said, if you are stupid enough to think that burning a Quran will help, do it. That's your freedom in this country. As fucking stupid and hateful as it is, you still have your freedom in America.

Base your life on facts

things to be proven

Don't sweat the stupid shit

the little things

Why worry about 

what happens when you leave?

It's something that 

can't

be proven

Seriously.

How do you

expect people to

believe in the things

taught by men 

so many years ago.

Back when people were 

superstitious.

All religion is

and has ever been

is a way to try and fill in the gaps

God controls the weather

he holds up the stars in the sky

No, you're wrong

if he exists, he's smarter than that

he doesn't have to

do a damn thing

Not anymore.

If there is some magical being 

on a higher plain of 

existence

then he/she/it

does not care about us

with the bad things that happen

day to day

murder, rape, disease, famine, etc

how could it/he/she?

Use your fraking brains please (:

Dear people,
I just want to share a few facts with you all regarding the "mosque at ground zero."

Calling it a mosque is like calling a Catholic school a church. Yes, there may be some religious activities, but that is NOT the primary function.

It is RIDICULOUS that people are calling it the "ground zero mosque" The place is 4 blocks away AND can't be seen from Ground Zero.

Finally, if you are religious then you sure as hell better stand up for this being built. Because if not, then YOU don't deserve the right to build your church where you want. 
The moral of the story is, look up the facts before spreading these lies that 'you heard from a friend.'


But don't believe me, look it up for yourself.

Hilarious things that my boss does

There are quite some good times to be had at a medium sized company (:

Read from top to bottom:

---

From: R (Pres of company)
Sent: Wednesday, September 01, 2010 1:04 PM
To: C
Cc: B
Subject: RE:

Ask Adam about just an A/B switch for the printers.  That way when using APEX you manually switch to “B” and when using the legacy program for Reclaimed it stays on “A”

R

---

From: C
Sent: Wednesday, September 01, 2010 2:59 PM
To: Adam; K
Subject: FW:

Legacy Program?????

C

From: K (my boss)
Sent: Wednesday, September 01, 2010 3:04 PM
To: C; Adam

Subject: RE:

Per dictionary.com

leg·a·cy

   ˈlɛgəsiShow Spelled [leg-uh-see] Show IPA noun, plural -cies.

1.

Law . a gift of property, esp. personal property, as money, by will; a bequest.

2.

anything handed down from the past, as from an ancestor or predecessor: the legacy of ancient Rome.

Capitalism is basically survival of the fittest. Yet how are conservatives, people that tend to disagree with survival of the fittest, the biggest capitalists?