Worship Music/musicians

On Sunday evening I went with a couple of friends to see a worship musician. While his music was not bad, it was not good. Sure he was great on the electric guitar, but when it comes to song writing, not so much. The fact of the matter is that Christian song writers are not that great. Because it seems like every five or ten years they throw in some new adjectives, like marvelous or everlasting, into the lyrical blender that is Worship music.

I don't know if they have just gotten lazy or if they think people won't listen to original and fresh worship music. Perhaps it is the fear of change, all the people that can't feel God with music that is not identical to the same old stuff they have been feeling God to the last X years. I'm not saying that all the Christian music is like that, just most of it.

Lost

For all the crap people talk about Katty Perry, which is understandable, I really like her music. Not just the one song that is rather sketchy, but most of them. I really enjoy her song, "Lost" because it is kind of like my life right now. Only in a more spiritual sense.

 

(V1)
I’m out on my own again
Face down in the porcelain
Feeling so high but looking so low
Party favors on the floor
Group of girls banging on the door
So many new fair-weather friends ooo…

(CHORUS)
Have you ever been so lost
Known the way and still so lost

(V2)
Caught in the eye of a hurricane
Slowly waving goodbye like a pageant parade
So sick of this town pulling me down
My mother says I should come back home but
Can’t find the way cause the way is gone
So if I pray am I just sending words into outer space

(CHORUS)
Have you ever been so lost
Known the way and still so lost
Another night waiting for someone to take me home
Have you ever been so lost

(BRIDGE)
Is there a light
Is there a light
At the end of the road
I’m pushing everyone away
‘Cause I can’t feel this anymore
Can’t feel this anymore

(CHORUS)
Have you ever been so lost
Known the way and still so lost
Another night waiting for someone to take me home
Have you ever been so lost
Have you ever been so LOST

 

 

The line about knowing the way home and still being so lost. Wow. Just where I'm at spiritually. I know all about God and what not, but he feels so far away. Like I'll never get to him. The worst thing is that I just don't care that much right now. It's not like my life is literally falling apart, just that I do have my temptations like everyone. Right now I'm in "sin avoid" mode. I'm not in a "Lord appreciate" mode. I want to be there, but I'm not. I "know" how to get there, but I don't at the same time. . .

Church.

Sometimes I like my church a lot. Other times I get kinda bitter, but I still go, because nobody is perfect. We are all humans. *shrugs*
Anyhow one time, this morning, our pastor was talking about the finacial situation that is going on and the discussions about the bailout. Well he said this, "We hope that they make the white-right choices." It was funny because most of the people in the audience didn't "get it" or they just were not really paying attention to begin with. Because what-had-happen-was he meant to say "make the right choices" but he ended up saying "make the white" and then corrected with "right choices". It was very interesting to hear and quite funny.
Therefore I think you should all make the white choices :)

Google.

Sometimes I say Google is the Anti-Christ. I say this in a slightly-serious joking manor. But if you really look at it, Google seriously just keeps growing.
That's all.

Cullen

Edward Cullen. Basically the most annoying fictional creature created. Because he does not exist, not only that but no man on earth will ever live up to his image. This gives women a skewed perspective on what they "want" in a guy. Someone that would rather kill themselves than live through the loss of their "soul mate".
A person that would commit suicide because their lover died is, well weak. It takes real strength to stand and keep on living life, especially after the loss of a lover.

Another thing, no guy will just always let you win an argument. He is going to fight back, especially if he thinks you are wrong. What is wrong with that? Nothing. That is a normal human response. The problem comes when you start to argue about emotions, because that is when an argument becomes a fight. The difference is logic and evidence. An argument is backed by logic and evidence, but fights are all about wearing the opponent down, using stupid emotional tactics.

And the biggest problem with Edward Cullen is his lack of God. He does not, in any way, but God first. Because in those stupid books it is all about him. How he feels. How he makes you feel. Feelings should be the last thing you look to. First being the Bible, then what you think, lastly what you feel.

1 Peter 5:8-9
Be of sober spirit, be on the alert Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.
But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world.

Crazy.

Sometimes I think I am crazy. Not like, He-is-fun-crazy, or even slightly-off-his-mark-crazy. I think that there is legitimately something wrong with my brain. Because it can not be normal to feel like this all the time. Also, random panic attacks(sitting-with-your-friends-enjoying-a-movie random). Luckily these are rare, but they are not fun in the least.

On another subject, Wednesdays. Oh Wednesday, "hump day" as some people like to call it. It is always a very chaotic day for me, because I get up at between 7 and 7:45(this changes daily) and then go to work at 8. Then I get off my first job at 12. I have an hour for lunch, then I head over to my second job. Then I'm there till 4:30, at which time I have to somehow get to school and eat dinner. Not an easy task. Then I'm at school from 5 till 10. Though on Wednesdays I have my music class which rarely goes till 9:30. Then I get home and, because I'm so smart, don't go to bed till 12.
Boy am I glad that I only have two days of classes.

Sunsets.

I wrote this poem a long time ago, it feels like a lifetime ago. . .
This is the only poem that I have given serious thought to. It reminds me of better days whenever I read it.

Sunsets:
Exquisite, glorious, stunning sunset
Amulet of light, easy to recall
Sublime orb, retaining a moment
Magnificent star, able to enthrall

Crystalline, victorious, breathing clouds
Puffs of mist, seems to crawl
Colored atmosphere, attracting crowds
Scarlet horizon, canvas of a fall

Together these prevent shrouds
Forms used by dark sorrow
One way for those to hate clouds
Hope they love more tomorrow

Sunsets bring warmth and kindness,
Once through what's left is blindness.

Past

When I read a post that I have made in the past it always amazes me. Every post is so different. Like how quickly my mind changes, how quickly I change from the amazing grace of God to how depressed I am and why I don't understand it. Then I look back in my journals and it amazes me even more. I consistently have these feelings of worthlessness/helplessness/hopelessness/faithlessness/ect. . .
Sometimes I try to think that this is something that is resent, something that I have not had going on for the last six years. I don't know why I do this, maybe it is because I don't want to think about how "serious" this depression is. But that does not really matter, what matters is how to survive this. Because it kind of surprises me everyday that I got out of bed, sure I'm rarely on-time, but the fact that I can get out of bed, well that amazes me. It has to be God, because I don't have the strength to do it.
Maybe He is carrying me, like in the little "Footprints" poem, but it sure feels like I'm walking alone.

Bleh.

Sometimes I hang out with my friends and the day is going fine. I feel fine, I'm having fun, or atleast I don't feel like crap. It's all good then, out of nowhere, It hits me. Ouch, I would rather be dead right now. . .
I don't get why this is happening to me. People say this is something that therapy would help, something that meds should help. But I have tried the therapy, didn't do too much. But maybe I'll try the meds. People say the meds make the therapy possible. . .

*Sigh*
I want to go jump off a building.