We know nothing...

Everything is controlled.
All our "knowledge" is what has been given to us.
Somebody is pulling all the strings.
Be it the government, the very very rich, or some other person/people.

But maybe it's better this way?
Perhaps as a people we are not ready to have that much power.
Or for it to get into the wrong hands.

It's unlikely this will make any sense or be coherent.

love lust infatuation

thoughts swimming in my head

where to go who to see

i don't know

i'm just me

i don't care

yet i do

more than people think

or know

more than i care for them to

lost alone peaceful

found around insane

yet comprehendable

around and around

like a duck in the sea

confused not found

bound yet unfounded

confusion creeps in

does not let things make sense

what makes sense

nothing, not really

or maybe things do

make sense

or seem to

i can dream

right?

it's my life my dream

does that mean i get

what i want?

probably not

but i can dream

or maybe i can't

perhaps i don't

really have a choice

or maybe i do

who knows

i surely don't know

a damn thing

well there's one or two things

that i know for sure

sometimes i wonder what 

ive gotten myself into

is it for the worst or for the best?

i hope it's for the best

because there's no turning back

not for me at least

my mind makes me crazy

it just keeps spinning

and thinking

and going and going

then when i need it most

it fails 

forgets

slows to a crawl

i wonder why.

dreams are supposed to be fun

relaxing

weird

strange

and rarely annoying

or terrifying

or scary

yet it seems

most of my dreams

are filled with violence

hate 

and pain

never for others

it's not quite like that

always pain to me

or me being violent

i wonder what it all means

if anything at all

people say it's the unconscious mind

trying to talk

i wonder if they are right?

Presidential candidates

It makes me laugh when people get so pissed at the president (any president works) because he didn't hold up to all of his promises.

Guys, presidential candidates have been promising things and not delivering since the beginning of time.
IT'S WHAT THEY DO.
And do you really expect one president to come in and change everything all at once?
REALLY?!

21 things for my 21st year of life.

Updated 2/26/14

1. Quit smoking, completely
2. Run 10 miles straight
3. Visit London - Done
4. Visit the East Coast
5. Learn Sign Language - Done-ish
6. Go wine tasting in Northern California
7. Go to a shooting range and have a blast - Done
8. Have 1200 in savings - Done
9. Re-read Sanderson's works and A Severe Mercy
10. Sell shit I don't need/want/use (xbox, games, books, movies, etc) - Done
11. See MCS live again
12. Sky dive
13. Visit Whitehall, Montana
14. Smile at least once per day - Done
15. Visit Big Bear on my bike
16. Have the same girlfriend - Done
17. Goto October Fest
18. Visit Hanger 24 - Done
19. Get my MSCITP
20. Get promoted at work
21. Spend more time with people I care about

This girl

Nov 13th 2010

I think I love this girl.

I can't say it yet, it's far too soon. Far too possible for it to be, just me. Being stupid, saying things I'm not sure.

But one day, hopefully soon. I'll tell her.

That I love her.

This describes it pretty well:

http://www.plyrics.com/lyrics/mae/readyandwaitingtofall.html

Nov 19th 2010
i think i love her...
perhaps i dont, it could be that i dont love her
that i just love the "idea" of her
possible
maybe even probable
but i dont think so
i think i really do care about her
in more ways that i like
example being her virginity (a fucking scary thing)
she wants to wait a long long long time
before that happens
which is understandable
i guess
or is it?
i dont really know
all i know is
im not in this for the short haul
really, im not
she means a lot more to me than she knows
or maybe she doesnt...
how can i know

my biggest fear is that we wont work out
not in the long run
or as far as compatablity goes
but sexually
what if we dont work?
what do i do then?
give it time
just stay with her
after it happens
it will be a big big big deal
she will love me (preferably before then)
and ill love her too.
but what am i supposed to do
if we dont "fit" like that...

i think this is why i know that
its not about the sex
its about that connection
that sex brings
its something much different
it brings a whole different world to the universe
that is our relationship
not like a kiss
not like a hug
its something much different
something that cant be described
really it cant
sure sex can
and so can some of the feelings attached
but that level of intimacy
that is something no one can describe
not accurately at least
even Shakespeare couldnt do it...

Nov 22nd 2010
i don't care
what anyone thinks
perhaps i fall quickly
or instantly
while it's not
love at first sight
it sure is something
quite fast
i love her
as much as i'd rather not say it
but i can't say it,
not to her
not yet
it's far to soon
those three words
can kill
even the best of
relationships.
but i'll tell her
soon...

Dec 3rd 2010
only been two months now
hardly any time at all
yet you know me well
better than most
i wonder why that is
or maybe it isn't
perhaps i'm just playing games
in my head
wishing for things
to be what they are not
but i'll continue to believe
they are what i think
it makes life easier
perhaps that's why people believe

Dec 8th 2010
in love
that's what I am
no longer just infatuation
i see her flaws
her imperfections
they are there
not even hidden
below the surface
visible
and imperfect
but non-the-less
i love her
for her smile
her face
her attitude
her ambitions
and goals
she cares
where she's going
where she's been
it doesn't effect her
in negative ways
perhaps it does
and even though
she can be judgmental
about people
places
and things
she hasn't a clue about
i don't care
i love her still

Dec 10th 2010
finally
it is done
i said it
she said it
we meant it
finally
my only fear
is that she'll loose
that feeling
and emotion
but if she does
i hope that she
won't loose
the action
the meaning
it's not just about
the emotion
or feeling
those are great
but there's a lot more
to love

Core beliefs as of 12/8/2010

• Change is never good or bad. Change is the nature of existence, everything changes.
• It can not be known, what is "out there", be it aliens, "God", "gods", or fate.
• The ideal of "Pay it Forward" is one to live by.
• Love is a choice, action, feeling, and emotion. It takes different forms in different relationships.
• Reading, while great, is just as bad as TV, if you don't think.
• Asking "Why does that work" is always a wise question.

time is odd
it flys when we have fun
slows when we are bored
stops when we get caught
in a moment of bliss
i wonder why
time is never
straight forward
never the same
as it has been
days
weeks
months
years
pass
yet time is so relative
perhaps we are not
of the temporal realm
only here for a bit
or maybe that's not it
perhaps it
is just the way we
perceive it
view it
observe it
or maybe i'm wrong
that's always possible
i'm pretty damn good
at not knowing a thing

Oh coworkers, you make me laugh!

From: M
To: D; C; B;
Subject: RE: Football Pool

How much have you spent (lost ) so far this season. I haven't lost a penny, I'm even ! Can you say that. I bet you can say LOSER.

---

From: D
To: C; M; B
Subject: RE: Football Pool

Please remove me from your email distribution list immediately.

IT person, how do you mark certain email addresses to go automatically to junk mail?

Thanks,

D

---

From: C
To: D; M; B
Subject: RE: Football Pool

Wow, so far two brilliant comical responses. What a stroke of witticism and sarcastic brilliance, my hats off to you both.

C

---

From: D
To: M; C; B;
Subject: RE: Football Pool

Not Me!

Thanks,

D

---

From: M
To: C; B;
Subject: RE: Football Pool

WHO CARES!!!!

---

From: C
To: B
Subject: RE: Football Pool

Finally, after such a disappointing football pool season so far, I am leading in the pool, having correctly picked both Arizona State and Philadelphia last night. Wow, just to be able to gloat for one day is satisfying. Likely the winnings will be mine for this week and I will be able to pay for the whole pool for the year, and have enough left over to buy a lunch for myself. I think some humble pie sounds good. Dogged persistence pays off in the long run, or will it? I know my fellow employee owners all wish me luck and are rooting for me, who is more deserving?

There you go, I stirred the pot. All comical responses are welcome.

C

---

From: B
Subject: Football Pool

Sorry about getting the pool out late.

There are Two games tonight.  College – Arizona & Arizona State and Pro – Philadelphia and Houston.

If you can’t get me your pool back today, e-mail me with your picks for tonight’s two games.

Also attached are the cumulative standings.