Things for 2009

Goodbye 2008. Overall this year has been okay. It has had it's ups and it's downs, seemingly more downs than ups. Though the end of the year, starting in November has been amazing.

Hello 2009. I'm ready for so many things to happen this next year. Things I want to do in '09 include:

Sky dive
Go on a road trip
Grow closer to the friends I have
Make new friends
Work hard in all my classes
Fall in love
Practice playing the keyboard twice a week
Catch up on my reading before investing in a new book
Own a motorcycle
Write more
Actually spend time with God (if that's possible)

There are so many other things I want to do, but those are the ones I feel like are going to be possible this next year.

This last year.

2008. A big year for me. There are so many things I have done that I could never have seen myself doing a year or two ago.
People I couldn't see myself talking to.
Places I never thought I'd like to be.
Things I would have thought to ruin my life.
Ideas I would have never thought.
Thoughts I couldn't imagine before.

Who I am now, is nothing like I thought I'd be.
I'm content. I'm fine. I have my ups and my downs.
But they are nothing like they were before.
This makes me wonder, what happened to all that emptiness?
The "hole in my heart"
I don't think anything has filled it.
I know things did not change between God and I starting November.
In fact, it's almost a miracle that things got better in the beginning of November.
It was perfect timing.
Who knows where I'd be if things didn't change when they did.
People I might have never met.
Things I might have missed out on.
Wow.
It's amazing how one little thing could have changed my life forever. . .

Wow, always so amazed.

Once upon a time I wrote a blog about how I was happy being single. And I was totally fine with it. And I really meant it. Now I'm not so single and even happier.

Life is so crazy sometimes, up and down, up and back down again. Well right now I'm up. And I'm loving every moment of it. And it feels like it could last forever. I hope that it does.

God is so crazy sometimes. Changing the way I look at things. Like how my dad said he was proud of me the other day. Not because of a "good" choice I made. But because I made a choice and stuck with it. Because I understand the consequences of my actions. I understand that it is unhealthy to smoke, but he is proud that I have made such a "big" choice. Even if he believes it is the wrong choice.
That really surprised me.
A lot.

It's nice to know my dad is behind me. Always.

Surprise!

Surprise parties are fun (:
Obviously.
So thanks to Promise and Kyle and everyone else that made it possible(:
Props on a great party that was truly surprising.

But I don't know, some people don't like surprises, which is strange to me.
I have always been a huge fan of surprises.
The suspense that I get when I'm awaiting a surprise is awesome.
And the overwhelming feeling that happens when I am truly surprised, fun.
Fun indeed.

In other news, I think I did well on most of my finals.
Three were of the "Take-home final" variety.
Math, Music, and Philosophy.
I think I bombed my Philosophy final though.
The grade is going to end up being like a "D" or something bad like that.
This is the problem with online classes, you forget to do the work. . .
And that is never good.

Hahaha, my friends say stuff sometimes.

Jake-"Why, what are you guys doing"

Josh-"We're having sex!"

Jake-"Can I watch, I need to know how that works."

Josh-"I stick it in his ass!"

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Book Binding and Geese.

This would be my job as a book binder [= Here I have a piece of leather, a spineboard (the pink thing), and two cover boards. Everything is sized correctly and about to be "Put together"


This is me using a roller to put glue (R-25) on the spine board.


Now the two cover boards and spineboard are glued in place on the leather. I just cut the corners so they are not super bulky. Next I'll glue the four edges onto the cover and spine boards.


And this is the finished product. This is far from the whole process of making a book, but this is most of the process of making a cover.

Now, for something completely different. Geese!


They were just chilling the the middle of the street, so strange. . .

John Mayer

So yesterday I went with two of my friends, Monet and Jake, to go see John Mayer at the Nokia theater in Los Angeles. It was amazing and I can't even begin to describe how awesome it was, like Monet said, it felt like we were chilling with John by a campfire. Which it really was because he talked a lot about his music and how life has changed and how his old stuff takes him back. It was so chill.

Surprised.

Life catches me by surprise. A lot.
Sometimes in good ways, sometimes in bad.

Lately though, every surprise has been good (=
Really good. I don't think I ever expected life to turn around like it has.
Actually I kinda expected it to keep going like it was.
I thought that I would drift through life forever.
But no. I feel like I've finally been released.
And I know that I won't feel like this forever, what goes up must come down.
But I think I'll enjoy it while it lasts (=

p.s. "Left-handed" smilies rule (:

Ugh!

So many things I want to write! But instead I'll just go on about the beauty of math. And other math related stuff (=

"If a 'religion' is defined to be a system of ideas that contains unprovable statements, then Gödel taught us that mathematics is not only a religion, it is the only religion that can prove itself to be one."
John Barrow






Beauty Of Math - The funniest movie is here. Find it

Oh man.

One time I was in my room trying to sleep. It was about midnight or so and I was really tired. So I was just laying there and I heard this extremely high pitch chirp. At first I thought that it must have been something outside my window. I closed the window, thinking that the noise would stop. No, not even muffled a little bit. So I figure, maybe I'm crazy, maybe the noise is only in my head. Thirty minutes later I am freaking out. I thought that I was going insane. Then I think that maybe it is a rattlesnake? Because I have seen them around our house before. I get out of my bed, careful as to avoid the possible snake. I turn on the light and look around. No sign of the little devil. I notice that my sister is still awake so I walk, very quickly, to her room. After informing her of the situation I mentally prepare myself for the fight again. The battle of man vs. nature. So we walk into my room and I start the hunt. Not here, not there. I look behind my trash bag, right as I'm about to pick it up Alora says no. There on the bag was a grasshopper. . .

So that's pretty much the story. I took him outside and ended up staying up till 2 or so. The adrenaline. And I don't think that my brain was working too well because it was late and I think that sound could constitute as some kind of torture. . .

Don't buy

This was basically one of the worst dress/shirt/blouces ever.

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Turkey day.

So today is the day of the Turkey. Also know as, Thanksgiving.
Anyhow Thanksgiving is normally kinda crazy at our house. We have family/friends/people come over and celebrate with us. This year we just chilled and cleaned the house because we could. And dinner was amazing. And the pie was amazing. And we just talked and enjoyed each others' company. It was nice because lately we have all been so darn busy that we never really see each other. So today we chilled and talked and had a great day.
Even though I was sick Tuesday and most of Wednesday I have had quite the week. So much has happened. I have really thought about things that I would have never really thought about before. Questioned why I do what I do.
Life is going good. Very good indeed.

Thoughts

There is seriously so much going on in my head right now. I just don't know what to do. It's like there are a bunch of voices all yelling at once.

"WHAT ARE YOU-"
"DON'T THINK AB-"
"REMEMBER TO BR-"
"JUST D-"

And then there are the swimming thoughts and emotions.
The Air Force
Last night
Friday
Years ago
Confusion
Anger
Apathy
Willpower
Passion
Determination
Happiness
Driving
Phones
Talking
Work
So many other things. . .

My mind is spinning, round and around. Where will it stop, nobody knows. I only hope it will keep off things I don't want to think about.

Like the past
Or the future
The Good times
And the bad
Like the here
Or the there
The ups
And downs
Like the true
Or the false
The heat
And the frost


Thoughts swimming through my head. Never-ending.

Sarcasm is amazing!

One time this conversation happened at my house.
Blah, blah, blah I'm being really sarcastic and kinda mean, all in good fun. Then;
"Thanks, that really makes my heart warm."
"That's my job, to make your heart warm, like Jesus."

And I just thought, "Lord, spare me." And I laughed a lot. And so did my brother. It was awesome. I don't know if that was funny to anyone else, but I just had to get that out.

Faith like a child.

What is it to have faith like a child. I really don't think it means believe that everything in the Bible happened exactly like it literally said. Because if you do then Jesus' life would have been ridiculous, being here and there. Things all switched around. There is more to the Bible than just "This is what the Bible says." God calls us to use our heads, just to believe in Him, and have faith He will provide. Little kids don't worry, about anything. It's true.

You have to think of God like a kid used to think about their parents. They are amazing, they will do anything and everything. They are basically superheros to their kids. That's what God means. Trusting Him when it hurts. Not just when things are going good. That is having a child's faith, in my mind. Believe that nothing can change the Bible, even "proven" things. Maybe the Bible says 7 days, maybe billions of years. It does not matter.

In other news I hate Christianity. Not the religion, just some/most of the people, they can really suck sometimes.

Blerg?

I couldn't think of a good title. So I just thought I'd put that :)

So the other day at church a pastor said to make two lists, one of things that need prayer in your life and one of things to be thankful for. Here's my list of things I'm thankful for:

My family
My friends
My jobs
My truck
Being able to write on a blog
The knowledge of who I am
The ability to learn quickly
The highs and lows of life
People that keep me accountable (need more of these, hahaha)
My temperament, I care to know people, understand then
The ability to change my mind quickly
That I'm fine with being single :)
My parents not going crazy and kicking me out, almost happened
Music, all of it

And there's so much more, but I'll stick to that for now :)

Dude.

Ahh!! I have sooo much energy right now! It is crazy. And I have no idea where it came from, all of a sudden it just hit me. Maybe I'll forget studying for that test tonight and hit the gym. I think I'll go crazy if I don't.
Maybe this is what it feels like to be on drugs. . .

L. G. Fuad

If you have ever been addicted to anything, from candy to cocaine. This song should resonate with you. It's a great song, catchy beat and lyrics that make you think, even if they don't relate to your life like they do to mine.

Oh, yeah there are swear words.

Let's get fucked up and die..
I'm speaking figuratively, of course..
Like the last time that I committed suicide.. social suicide..
Yeah, so I'm already dead on the inside,
But I can still pretend with my memories and photographs,
I have learned to love the lie.

I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense.. yeah
Let me in, let me in to the club, cuz I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong, and if memory serves,
I'm addicted to words and they're useless.

(In this department)
Let's get fucked up and die..
I'm riding hard on the last lines of every lie,
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode,
I'm about to explode.
I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
I am perfect, and I have learned to accept all my problems and short comings,
Cause I am so visceral, yet deeply inept.

I want to thank you for being a part of my forget-me-nots and marigolds..
And all the things that don't get old..
Is it legal to do this? I surely don't know.
It's the only way I have learned to express myself through other peoples' descriptions of life..
I'm afraid I'm alone and entirely useless...

(In this department)
Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feeling
we'll try not to smile
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights
That still shock and surprise.
I believe that I can, overcome this and beat everything in the end
But I choose to abuse for the time being,
maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.

Sister soldier
You’ve been such a positive influence on my mental frame
If I could ever repay you,
I would, but I'm hard up for cash
And my memory lacks initiative.

God damn the liquor store's closed,
we were so close to scoring
it hurts, it destroys 'til it kills..
I am tired and hungry and totally useless.
(In this department)

Am I the only one that just wants to put up song lyrics all day? Because I feel like they describe my life better than I could.

Deal with it. -Not a poem

Just deal with it. That's what I need to do.
I need to stop failing. I need to start winning this fight for my soul.
There are so many things I want to go do. Things I know are wrong.
Yet I want to do it still. Most of the time I care about what people think of me.
I don't want to be that hypocrite Christian. So I be very careful.
And I want that to be done. I'm sick of the masks that I put up.
Sick of hiding the wrongs I do. Sick of hiding the rights I do.
I want this to change. But how do I make it change?
If only I felt like this all the time.
Instead it is rare. Oh so rare.
Most of the time I don't care.
And I don't know why that is.
Oh life, you are so crazy.

Never learning...

Once upon a time, a foolish boy named Adam went to the High School Musical 3 opening night. This was not the best idea because he had work in the morning. Twice upon a time a silly college student named Adam went to the midnight showing of 007. This left him feeling exited because it was an awesome movie. Yet he had to work the next day, which was a very hard thing to do. Why hasn't this silly boy learned that staying up till 5 am is not good before having to be up at 7 am.
If he goes to the midnight showing of Twilight (Not likely) he will prove himself a fool. You should see his fault a lesson. Be sure to get sleep before work. Or take work off after midnight showings.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

I love this show. And I love this song. It's so stupid, yet so amazing. . .

Amazing.

It is awesome to find people's blogs. Because I enjoy blogging and so do other people that I actually know. Or at least I know of them. Anyhow it is really trippy.
In other news November has been a great month so far. I saw Wicked, been hanging out a lot, got new cloths, school is okay. Yeah, good month. Well I guess we are not halfway through yet, but it is looking like over these next few months things are going to start looking up.

Something else that excites me, being single. No, I have not had a date for the last two years. But I have always wanted one. But I don't right now. Lately I've been trying to figure out how to be content by myself. Maybe it's just my mood, but I think I'm okay.
Besides, having a girlfriend is too much time, money, and emotional cost. At least that's how I'm justifying not having one.

America.

Check this out.
Basically the Germans own America. Kinda. . .

Girls, girls, girls.

There is this song by Lady Gaga that I love. It's called "Boys, boys, boys" and I enjoy it a lot. Anyhow, if the song were about girls it would be interesting.
So anyhow, girls, girls, girls. Girls are not very confusing to me, yet some of them are very confusing. Things girls do that send mixed signals.

Ask a lot of personal questions
Answer questions more indepth than expected
Trying to keep converstions going
The "girl" thing, acting helpless wanting you to help
Asking to hang out a lot
Going to Disneyland, just the two of you

There are so many more, but right now it is late and I'm getting tired. Work in seven hours, oy.

Theory.

So I am reading this book, The Science of God. It's a great book that is extremely thought-provoking. Anyhow, this website talks a bit about evolution and how it is "wrong" These people believe that if it were proven that the theory of evolution turned out to be true, the Bible would loose it's validity. Doesn't that make you sad, it sure makes me sad. That people are out there that don't even know how much the Bible and science work together, Genesis describes the creation process amazingly. Please, please check out The Science of God before you make any definite conclusions. People argue that evolution is too small for God, yet the fact that He could use the chaos of the big bang to create the universe is ironically beautiful. I'm not saying that the universe is 15+ billion years old, but maybe.
Basically don't be ignorant, look up facts and statistics before you argue one way or the other.

Change!!

Yep, time for change in my blog. I'm kinda done with this one. Time to change it up!

Wicked.

So I was able to see Wicked the musical last night due to a friend's father being very generous. Thanks Mr. B!!
So anyhow it was amazing! I really enjoyed it! The worst-ish part was the drive home. I drove there, which was fine because I was fully stoked. But the drive back was at 11pm from Hollywood. So there was no traffic, but it was still annoying because I was tired. But we did listen to a lot of great music. Like John Mayer, who I am gonna see on December 6th! Yay! And we listened to Eisley, who I have already seen. Wow, I don't think I realized how lucky I have been with seeing concerts, because a lot of people I know have not been to many.

Election

Yeah, Obama won, so what. McCain lost, so what. Prop 8 "passed" so what.
When people say things like, "I'm moving to Canada because Obama won." I feel like slapping them and saying, "People a lot stupider than Obama have been president. For real, check out the first 20 of them, nothing like Modern presidents." I mean, really, it is not going to make that big of a difference. And if it does, that might be a good thing, who knows, getting people to care about politics, not a bad thing. Wow I'm abusing the comma. I'll stop now I think.

In other news, I have been feeling ridiculously good lately, nothing can get me down, not even the flat tire I had yesterday. I guess with the downs come the ups. I like when I feel like this.

Give me all you've got, I can take it now.

Music, oh music

Warning this is a bit of swearing in the song lyrics. But other than that this song speaks a lot about what a broken heart is. Not a so-and-so-broke-up-with-me broken heart, but a seriously damaged heart. And I love how it starts and ends. There development of the character in the song is real. Starting off trying to "fix" a broken heart. And ending with a broken heart that "you never get used to it/you just have to live with it" Quite a development.
Am I the only one that "gets" these lyrics? Or is this just my interpretation.

"Broken Heart" by Motion City Soundtrack

I’ll start this broken heart
I’ll fix it up so it will work again
Better than before
Then I’ll star in a mystery
A tragic tale of all that’s yet to come
Fingers crossed there will be love

But I get carried away with every day
And every fantasy
The deeper the wound,
The harder I swoon and wish that that was me
There's so much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I’m getting used to it
You have to get used to it

I’ll devise the best disguise
A brand new look and take them by surprise
They’ll never guess what’s not inside
I’ll express myself with ease,
With confidence and character complete
With fingers crossed, they’ll talk to me

But I get carried away with every page
In every magazine
The cheaper the thrill,
the deeper I fill my head with blasphemy
There's so much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I’m getting used to it
You have to get used to it

I’ll destroy this useless heart
I’ll fuck it up so it’ll never beat again
Not just for me but for anyone

But I get carried away
With every phrase and made up malady
The longer I hide behind these lies,
The more I disintegrate
There's so much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
You never get used to it
You just have to live with it

Think about it.

Sometimes I read books that drastically change how I think of some subjects. Like this book that I'm reading right now, The Science of God by Gerald L. Schroeder. This book is about "The convergence of scientific and biblical wisdom." So whatever that means. I have yet to finish the book, but so far it is very thought provoking.

Seriously! People say that the theory of the big bang is not big enough for God. That he is above that. But really, believing that Earth exists even though our chances were so close to zero it is ridic-ulous. It is almost a mathamatical impossibility that the Earth exists with the life that it has. It was all perfect. Everything went perfectly for life to be created. If you think of it like that then the big bang is not a small feat. People don't really think about it. 

So think about it.

HSM3

Once upon a time, a silly college student named Adam decided to go see the midnight showing of High School Musical 3 with his friends. This was not such a silly idea, because the movie was fun, and everything he expected it to be. There was dancing, singing, and all around awesome/corny/ridic-ulous stuff going on.He enjoyed the movie, after it finished he said goodnight to his friends and headed for home, where he was to watch The Office. He thought that if he would go to sleep at 2:30 in the morning that he would be unable to wake the next morning for work. While he might have been right about this, it was likely a worthy risk, seeing as sleep is so precious. But no, he decided to stay up all night. Then at five in the morning he was extra tired and thought, "Maybe if I just lay on my back, I can't get good sleep like that, I wake up super easily." This may seem like a bad idea, but it worked out just fine. He was able to set an alarm that actually woke him up. Then he got out of bed, wishing for sleep, and decided that an hour is not enough. But he had to eat and get ready for the day. So he continued to go through his day, everything just the same. The lesson is this, if you decide to sleep, be sure that you do, because lack of sleep can be fatal to you.

Yes, No? You tell me.

So this is what I wrote before. Like a week ago. Man that feels like a lifetime ago. Well anyhow I don't really think that I agree with that anymore. I mean, does it matter if people are same-sex and married? Not really, what's going to change? And please, PLEASE don't give me that, "Parental Rights" crap. If you don't want your child to learn about something in school, tell their teacher. Legally they have to obey your wishes, so that argument holds no water.
And the worst thing is how many people are going to vote on Prop 8 not even knowing what it is about. Just voting yes/no because that's what they have seen. Or that's what people from their church/school are doing.

Prop 8 is really just a fight about the word "marriage". The Christians don't like the idea of same-sex couples being "married". They will put up with them having their "civil union", or their "domestic partnership" but not with the word "marriage". And I can understand that, being as that word has always meant man and woman. I have never been the person to say, "I have my truth and you have yours". In the same way I know that "marriage" has always been defined as man and woman. Biblically speaking, homosexuality is wrong. But I don't think that Christians should treat a person any differently because they are homosexual. They still need Jesus as much as anyone, maybe more.
But I don't think that "marriage" should be changed to define two people. It was meant for man and woman and I think it should be changed back. I'm not hating anybody, I just don't understand why people have to have these relationship called "marriage". I don't think a yes or no on 8 is going to change anything besides the definition of the word. It is not going to be easier for homosexual couples to prove they are indeed "joined by state". Even if they have a license for marriage, people will not go along with it unless they see it. It is the same if that piece of paper says, "civil union".
My biggest problem with this is the possible implications that it would have on churches. People say a church is discriminating because they don't marry gay couples. But this is something that is in the Bible. If you have a value and someone tells you to break it or get in trouble, do you break your values? Or do you uphold them? All-in-all I think that a no on 8 would just make things a lot harder for churches across California.

I'm voting yes on it, and you should think a lot before you vote about it. It really is a big issue, even if it is just a small definition.

Flying?

Yesterday was a very strange day, I almost (figuratively) died. I was in a very odd mood all day. Then after work I got home and had to make plans to do something today. It was weird, I felt like I had to make those plans or I would die, I didn't think I would die, I just knew something would change drastically if I did not make plans. Maybe I would have stopped caring to hang out with people? I don't know. I do know that it seemed like something that could have changed my whole life. And not for the better. . .

The desperation was scary. Especially since lately I have not cared about much. It was like waking up from a nightmare that was so real you woke up and were still shaking. I have only had two dreams like that, pure insanity.

In other news I voted, good ol' absenty ballet :) 

I ended up voting for McCain because as much as I dislike him and Palin, I tend to dislike Obama a little bit more, not much mind you. Speaking of Palin, I think I like Tina Fey as Sarah Palin more than the real one. She just is so funny and very believable. Amazing. 

Wow, my mind is flying today. . . I used to beable to write something a little coherent, not anymore. Here comes senility years early. . .

Classic Crime

One of my favorite bands is The Classic Crime, seriously you should check them out. One of their songs that I have always thought I related with I decided to look up the lyrics, and boy do they relate. It is almost like they are calling me, like these lyrics were written for/about me. Check it:

Twenty two years have passed by
As I contemplate
I can recall you getting me out of every scrape
What comes first to my mind
Was the change that I so desperately needed to make
Day and night, frozen silent in blinding violent fear
A song for my fight
Comes spilling the words I so desperately needed to hear

Do you know this song's for you?
My heart goes out to the hurt you feel inside

What hurts more than just dying
Is living barely alive
After all it's easier than falling short every time
I felt the pain and set fire 
To the grace that I so desperately needed to take
Day and night, frozen silent in blinding violent fear
A song for my fight
Comes spilling the words I so desperately needed to hear

Do you know this song's for you?
My heart goes out to the hurt you feel inside
Do you know this song's for you?
My heart goes out to the hurt you feel

I was brought up through the ashes
Like a phoenix birthing wings
And I will fight for my disasters
I will take the flight of kings
And if your life is ever tortured
Or if you know the pain I sing
Then will you sing with me this chorus
And we will cut through people's hearts and free them

Do you know this song's for you?
My heart goes out to the hurt you feel inside
Do you know this song's for you?
My heart goes out to the hurt you feel

Wow, talk about amazing. Not only are there amazing Biblical truths in there, but there are also the reasons that people do stupid stuff and they don't know why. . .

And every one of their songs are this amazing. Great, poetic lyrics and enjoyable musicianship.

Politics

I hate politics, why? Because when there was someone that was amazing and would have been able to pull us out of the current crisis, which will just get worse, nobody voted for him. I am speaking about Ron Paul. He was a smart, smart man. He knows how our ridiculous system of money and debt work. He knows that we are just creating money out of thin air. This causes everything to get worse, not better, because people start to say things cost more. That is why the US Dollar has such little value.

Sad, I wish that our economy wasn't dying. . . Time to move to. . . Austria?

Waking

Strange, how I used to be able to get to places on-time/early/not late. Now it seems like I am always running late. I wonder what has changed that makes is so I can't wake up on time/forget about time/take forever getting ready/drive slower. I don't get it. 

Well whatever it is is sure is getting really annoying. I can set my alarm for six forty and I'll still wake up at seven forty and have to rush to work. But then on Saturday, after being out till one in the morning, I was able to get up at eight so easily. I actually got less sleep that night. So I wonder if this is all just psychological? 

Whatever the case I think my "wake up" thingie is broken in my brain. It just works so sporadically.

Lifehouse

Ugh, another person blogging about that band, I know. But wait! I'm blogging about the theatre in Redlands! So anyhow, one day (Saturday) I went with some friends to go and see the production of Aladdin that was playing at the Lifehouse theatre. So the music was good and the singing and dancing was fun. I'm not at all saying it was the best thing ever, but I did enjoy it. One of the interesting things about Lifehouse shows is the Christian-ness that they have. In Aladdin the key Biblical phrases were, "Guard your heart", "Be content with what you have", and "greed is bad". Well they may have been said differently and whatnot, but this is coming from memory, so just go with it.
Not only that but yes, there was a person (spotlighted none-the-less) translating to American Sign Language. It was a very "Christian" event. And I think I need to tell John Acuff that Lifehouse is one to add to the list.

Hate

Sometimes I hate people. Story time! So at Disneyland there was this guy behind us in the Indiana Jones line, which is no big deal but he started talking to us. Normally I am so for meeting random strangers and having a conversation with them. But this guy was just annoying. So after the conversation was over he kept trying to worm into our conversations. We would be talking about school and he would say something to the extent of, "blah, blah, blah, one time I spent an entire class playing WoW(that is World of Warcraft for those who don't know)." Then he went on to explain how he did it. This was not only ridiculous and random, but it was nerdy beyond belief. And as a bit of a geek/nerd myself I know where that line is. Most people would be chill with you telling them one time you played WoW in class, but how you were able to, come on!

OH! And he was walking behind me and kept brushing the back of my caffs and almost stepped on the back of my shoe, causing it to come off and forcing me to kill him. Luckily for him this never happened.

 

P.S. Reality Television sucks. Yeah most/all of it is lamesause. But I really do enjoy Ninja Warrior, which is what real Reality Television should be like.

 

P.P.S. It feels good to feel good :)

Girls

Why is it that it seems like every girl I know, well the serious Christian ones, are always dating older guys? Not just a year or so, but sometimes upwards of three years. I just don't get it, I mean, yeah if you "fall in love" then whatever, but most of the time these girls don't really put themselves into a position where they would date guys their own age. I just find it slightly annoying because there are plenty of great guys around your age range, yet you go for someone so much older. I've heard people say, "security and maturity" but I think that is kind of an excuse. *Shrugs* I don't know, I wonder what people think on the subject.

Also weird, the guys that are dating girls that are sooooo much younger, not so normal, well I guess it is, but it totally shouldn't be. I think the main one for this is, "all the 'good' girls marry young" or something ridiculous like that. People just go and hang out with people your own age, it's not that hard. Again, people that have actual knowledge on the subject, it would be cool to know what you think.

Care

I wonder what it would be like to care, to really care. Because lately I just have not cared about a lot of things; school, work, people, etc. I keep doing things that are hindering relationships, that are impairing my ability to get homework done. I just don't get it. It is not like I'm addicted to drugs or anything, but I just don't care. Sometimes I think it would be better to be addicted to drugs, because then I could stop. But I can't force myself to care. Take waking up for example, I can't do it. This morning I remember turning my blaring alarm off at 7. Why I didn't get up, I don't know. And then I got to work late, which is something I should very much care about, but I don't.
And John Mayer always makes life that much more livable. Many i really rely on his music to keep me going. Like literally. It is kind of weird, but that's life.

Worship Music/musicians

On Sunday evening I went with a couple of friends to see a worship musician. While his music was not bad, it was not good. Sure he was great on the electric guitar, but when it comes to song writing, not so much. The fact of the matter is that Christian song writers are not that great. Because it seems like every five or ten years they throw in some new adjectives, like marvelous or everlasting, into the lyrical blender that is Worship music.

I don't know if they have just gotten lazy or if they think people won't listen to original and fresh worship music. Perhaps it is the fear of change, all the people that can't feel God with music that is not identical to the same old stuff they have been feeling God to the last X years. I'm not saying that all the Christian music is like that, just most of it.

Lost

For all the crap people talk about Katty Perry, which is understandable, I really like her music. Not just the one song that is rather sketchy, but most of them. I really enjoy her song, "Lost" because it is kind of like my life right now. Only in a more spiritual sense.

 

(V1)
I’m out on my own again
Face down in the porcelain
Feeling so high but looking so low
Party favors on the floor
Group of girls banging on the door
So many new fair-weather friends ooo…

(CHORUS)
Have you ever been so lost
Known the way and still so lost

(V2)
Caught in the eye of a hurricane
Slowly waving goodbye like a pageant parade
So sick of this town pulling me down
My mother says I should come back home but
Can’t find the way cause the way is gone
So if I pray am I just sending words into outer space

(CHORUS)
Have you ever been so lost
Known the way and still so lost
Another night waiting for someone to take me home
Have you ever been so lost

(BRIDGE)
Is there a light
Is there a light
At the end of the road
I’m pushing everyone away
‘Cause I can’t feel this anymore
Can’t feel this anymore

(CHORUS)
Have you ever been so lost
Known the way and still so lost
Another night waiting for someone to take me home
Have you ever been so lost
Have you ever been so LOST

 

 

The line about knowing the way home and still being so lost. Wow. Just where I'm at spiritually. I know all about God and what not, but he feels so far away. Like I'll never get to him. The worst thing is that I just don't care that much right now. It's not like my life is literally falling apart, just that I do have my temptations like everyone. Right now I'm in "sin avoid" mode. I'm not in a "Lord appreciate" mode. I want to be there, but I'm not. I "know" how to get there, but I don't at the same time. . .

Church.

Sometimes I like my church a lot. Other times I get kinda bitter, but I still go, because nobody is perfect. We are all humans. *shrugs*
Anyhow one time, this morning, our pastor was talking about the finacial situation that is going on and the discussions about the bailout. Well he said this, "We hope that they make the white-right choices." It was funny because most of the people in the audience didn't "get it" or they just were not really paying attention to begin with. Because what-had-happen-was he meant to say "make the right choices" but he ended up saying "make the white" and then corrected with "right choices". It was very interesting to hear and quite funny.
Therefore I think you should all make the white choices :)

Google.

Sometimes I say Google is the Anti-Christ. I say this in a slightly-serious joking manor. But if you really look at it, Google seriously just keeps growing.
That's all.

Cullen

Edward Cullen. Basically the most annoying fictional creature created. Because he does not exist, not only that but no man on earth will ever live up to his image. This gives women a skewed perspective on what they "want" in a guy. Someone that would rather kill themselves than live through the loss of their "soul mate".
A person that would commit suicide because their lover died is, well weak. It takes real strength to stand and keep on living life, especially after the loss of a lover.

Another thing, no guy will just always let you win an argument. He is going to fight back, especially if he thinks you are wrong. What is wrong with that? Nothing. That is a normal human response. The problem comes when you start to argue about emotions, because that is when an argument becomes a fight. The difference is logic and evidence. An argument is backed by logic and evidence, but fights are all about wearing the opponent down, using stupid emotional tactics.

And the biggest problem with Edward Cullen is his lack of God. He does not, in any way, but God first. Because in those stupid books it is all about him. How he feels. How he makes you feel. Feelings should be the last thing you look to. First being the Bible, then what you think, lastly what you feel.

1 Peter 5:8-9
Be of sober spirit, be on the alert Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.
But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world.

Crazy.

Sometimes I think I am crazy. Not like, He-is-fun-crazy, or even slightly-off-his-mark-crazy. I think that there is legitimately something wrong with my brain. Because it can not be normal to feel like this all the time. Also, random panic attacks(sitting-with-your-friends-enjoying-a-movie random). Luckily these are rare, but they are not fun in the least.

On another subject, Wednesdays. Oh Wednesday, "hump day" as some people like to call it. It is always a very chaotic day for me, because I get up at between 7 and 7:45(this changes daily) and then go to work at 8. Then I get off my first job at 12. I have an hour for lunch, then I head over to my second job. Then I'm there till 4:30, at which time I have to somehow get to school and eat dinner. Not an easy task. Then I'm at school from 5 till 10. Though on Wednesdays I have my music class which rarely goes till 9:30. Then I get home and, because I'm so smart, don't go to bed till 12.
Boy am I glad that I only have two days of classes.

Sunsets.

I wrote this poem a long time ago, it feels like a lifetime ago. . .
This is the only poem that I have given serious thought to. It reminds me of better days whenever I read it.

Sunsets:
Exquisite, glorious, stunning sunset
Amulet of light, easy to recall
Sublime orb, retaining a moment
Magnificent star, able to enthrall

Crystalline, victorious, breathing clouds
Puffs of mist, seems to crawl
Colored atmosphere, attracting crowds
Scarlet horizon, canvas of a fall

Together these prevent shrouds
Forms used by dark sorrow
One way for those to hate clouds
Hope they love more tomorrow

Sunsets bring warmth and kindness,
Once through what's left is blindness.

Past

When I read a post that I have made in the past it always amazes me. Every post is so different. Like how quickly my mind changes, how quickly I change from the amazing grace of God to how depressed I am and why I don't understand it. Then I look back in my journals and it amazes me even more. I consistently have these feelings of worthlessness/helplessness/hopelessness/faithlessness/ect. . .
Sometimes I try to think that this is something that is resent, something that I have not had going on for the last six years. I don't know why I do this, maybe it is because I don't want to think about how "serious" this depression is. But that does not really matter, what matters is how to survive this. Because it kind of surprises me everyday that I got out of bed, sure I'm rarely on-time, but the fact that I can get out of bed, well that amazes me. It has to be God, because I don't have the strength to do it.
Maybe He is carrying me, like in the little "Footprints" poem, but it sure feels like I'm walking alone.

Bleh.

Sometimes I hang out with my friends and the day is going fine. I feel fine, I'm having fun, or atleast I don't feel like crap. It's all good then, out of nowhere, It hits me. Ouch, I would rather be dead right now. . .
I don't get why this is happening to me. People say this is something that therapy would help, something that meds should help. But I have tried the therapy, didn't do too much. But maybe I'll try the meds. People say the meds make the therapy possible. . .

*Sigh*
I want to go jump off a building.

Rush

Quickly get to work
Quickly eat lunch
Quickly get to class

Don't stop to think
Don't see the beauty
Don't smell the roses
Don't slow down

Rush, rush, rush
All that ever happens
Rush, rush, rush
Don't breath now, just
Rush, rush, rush

Rollercoster

Rollercoster, up and down
Rollercoster, pulling me around

Why can't I see straight?
Where am I now?

Before I know it, everything's changing
People leaveing, down, down, down

Through valleys and shadows
Out of the light, into the darkness

Life passes by, seasons changing
Falling in love, up, up, up

Pass streams and meadows
Shade reseads, the sun rises

Will this day be like the last?
So high, and so low

Rollercoster, taking me down
Rollercoster, taking me up

Dude. . .

it is finally starting to set in. The fact that all of my close senior friends are leaving. Not only that but some of them i might never see again.

It is really quite painful to think that all of these people i have spent the last four, or less, years getting to know will be leaving so soon. How am I going to survive this. . .

Running.

People say, face your problems, don't run from them. Why? All that has ever happened when I attempt to face my problems is pain, pain and depression. Is this because my problems are too large for me to face alone? That could be it. It could also be that I'm not ready to face them now, or maybe these are problems that cannot be fixed by facing them? How do I know? When do I run, and when do I face them?
My problems don't haunt me, nor do they come to mind often. In fact these problems rarely, if ever, come to mind. They tend to stay in the past. I don't even see how they have changed me. I don't really act differently because of them. Actually I think that I'm more open-minded and more understanding because of these problems in my past.

The worst part is that facing my problems would mean admitting that I have problems. And to truly face them I would have to confront people. Then that would cause pain and hurt to people that I don't want to hurt. There is nothing I hate more than causing pain to those I love. Maybe this is why my life is shrouded in secrets and lies? If that's the case, then am I stuck in this forever?

Clay.

Why do people always use the "God's a stone-worker, He has to form you, sometimes it hurts." analogy? I think that it is crap. God only has to do that if you won't change. If you are flexible, like clay, then He is not going to hurt you. Sure He will mold you, shape you, make you more and more like Him.
It does not have to hurt people, just be like clay. Let Him shape you. Let Him perfect you. It's like if a cop pulls you over, if you pull over and take the ticket, that's as far as it goes. If you keep driving, things are not going to be any better, just worse.

I don't know if I'm making any sense, but then what does it matter? This blog is more for me than for others anyway.

Interesting. . .

On Wednesday night I went to the Tithemi house of prayer thing. It was really cool, at first I didn't really think about getting prayed for much. Then a friend say there was still "awkwardness in the air" and asked if there was anyone hiding anything. Boy did she call me out. So then I told them about being depressed and whatnot.
Yay God, because I'm so much better. Sure, I'm not quite perfect, I still get a bit down at times, but I still fell happiness. Before all I felt was distractions and sorrow.

Yay God.

Depression.

So basically i have been "depressed" for the last few years. Only recently have I understood that it has been this bad. I really don't know what to do about it. It really is not fun. I don't know what to do. . .

God's crazy!

It never ceases to amaze me that God moves. And not just, "The Holy Spirit" made me think this was better than that. He uses healing, prophesy, and other crazy real things. I have never felt this close to God before. And before, when I used to get "close" to Him I was not sinning and things were going really good. Not I'm not doing perfectly, but still better. It is a whole different experience seeing God show up. Not like before when I really just had an idea of what God was like. Not like now, now I know that God uses healing. I know that He can do strange and crazy things. He does it because people listen when they see someone get healed or someone know something that they could not have known.

Anyhow, I brought a friend of mine to Thithemi Sunday night. He hurt his leg and basically he has to use cruthches for the next few weeks until his body heals itself or not. If it ends up not healing then he is going to need more sugery and then he'll be in a wheelchair for a few months. So I brought him to Tith thinking that we could pray healing over his leg, get that sucka fixed. Well we did, the chronic pain is gone. He still is unable to lock his knee, but that's life. So until next week he will be okay. Yay God!!!

Now the question that I have is, how do I do it? It can't be as simple as Eric makes it look, can it?

People leave.

I don't really know how to cope with people leaving. I have never been very good at it. For example my best friend, James, moved to Maryland in '06. For about six months after he left I was really depressed. I think that is because he was one of the first people that I have opened up to. Now I have a few more friends that I have opened up to, but it is still a small number. The worst part is that they are all leaving. They are going off to college, going to make something of themselves. While I will still live with my parents in Yucipa, still go to a community college, just trying to get by.
It's odd, because, theoreticly, I don't mind living with my parents, I don't mind going to community college, I don't mind how my life is. Yet I still feel this massive weight on my chest. I still wonder why this is happening to me. Why can't I be somewhat "normal"? I don't think there is anything wrong with being different, but being like this is more than different, it's being broken.
People always talk about this hole in thier heart that Jesus has filled up. Well I guess that would accurately describe my current situation, although Jesus has not filled it. And I don't know why He is letting it go on. Why hasn't He pulled me under protection from evil.

Broken,
Adam

Wow.

I have "had" this blog for more than two years. Yet it only has five posts. It amazes me how I do that. In one post (a year ago) I said that I would keep up with life in this blog, yet I did not. Well perhaps now I will start to really keep up with my life. I don't know if this will work of not, but I will try.

There is so much that I want to write, so much I have thoughts on, so much I wonder what others think about. I really hope that I will be able to keep this blog updated.

Well that is all for now, I don't know what else to say. I mean write.

For His Kingdom,
Adam