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Life is going good. It is one of the few times in the past years I have even thought that. I am really glad that life is moving on, that I am so content. I look at some of the things I have written in the past and wonder, "What was I thinking?" Other times I am so nostalgic.

An interesting thing I have seen in my past, a longing. A strange sort of longing. Not that I wish for love, or even someone to comfort me. But I long to be happy. Perhaps I am longing for bliss? More likely I am longing for joy, true, full, joy. How can I have joy on this earth? Is it possible? What are your thoughts?

In other news, I have a job. Yeah, I got a job at Forest Home and worked my first day Friday. I am a Utility worker, meaning I was dishes, and sometimes I help up in the kitchen. But I am getting $9 an hour, and my job is really nice.

Yay life.

"Stained Glass Masquerade"

Here is one of my new favorite songs:

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

Now I ask you, are you one of those plastic people? I know I was, but no more. I want people to know I am not perfect, that I do hurt, that I am only here because of God. I an a broken, hurt, man. Praying that God will only forgive me. I am broken to His will. I am done with mine.

Friendships.

I am so sick of my "friends", more correctly, those that are in for a good time. Those that are willing to unload all their thoughts, feelings, and emotions on me, but when I feel ready and willing to trust they are too busy, or just don't care.
Why is it that Christians have to look perfect? Why do so few show they are broken, sinful, people, praying for forgiveness?

I am so sick of people that just suck all the emotion out of me. They are willing to talk as long as it is about their crap, but when I want to share my burden rejection, false interest, or whatever is all they show. I am not looking to solve all your problems, I will listen, maybe give advice, but at least try to care about me!

Why can't any of you care!! Here I am trying to spill my guts, I am not perfect! I need people to care about me, too! I need people to listen to me, too! So call me, talk to me, listen to me, give a damn about me, because I truly care about all the crap you tell me. All the things I think are so trivial, immature, even the things I cannot understand, I will still listen, I will still care.

That is who I am. I am the guy you turn to when you are mad at all your friends. When you need someone to talk to. When no one else is there to listen.

So I ask you, listen to me? Care about me? Do for me, what I do for you?

What is it I want?

For the past week or two I have been reading a book called Safely Home. Near the end of the book I was crying, a lot. As I was in the final chapters I stopped to reflect on why these emotions were overcoming me, heck I was not sure what these emotions were. Ten minutes, and a lot of writing, later I figured it out.

These emotions were longing. I was longing for suffering (the book takes place in China. There is a lot of martyrs). Not pain, but the experience, to confirm, if only to myself, that I would stick up for my faith.

Well today I was reading another book, The Weight of Glory, yet another great book. In this essay Lewis talks of how we have these feeling, astounding emotions, which we easily mistake for something else.

Have you ever seen the sunset on a beautiful clear day?

How about seeing the stars on a moonless night, with no city lights to distract you?

Perhaps you have had the privilege to see Yosemite in the Spring?

Imagine that feeling, which consumes your utter being in the presence of Beauty.

That, and only that is the pain of Beauty.

Hmm. . . .

So I have not really been keeping an up-to-date blog, although I do journal most days. As for why. . . Good question. I really am not sure what has been keeping me from the blogosphere. Maybe it is just busyness. . .



Perhaps it has all to do with my fear of trust. Trusting all the people that I know will see this blog. Or is it the fear of rejection, fear that no one will read what I have to say. Will I ever know. . .



So here is my rebelling. Rebelling against all these things. Whether it be busyness, laziness, or fear. Whatever the case I plan on bloging.