Mind vs Mind

I hate my Mind, brain, self, demons, whatever you want to call it. That little voice in my head that shares lovely little tidbits, not unlike the following examples:
"That person is out to get you."
"That person is doing that to hurt you."
"Don't believe them, they know you hate that."
"You can't trust that person"
"You can't trust yourself, what if you're wrong?"
"You smell bad."
"That person doesn't really love you."
"If you fail, they will leave you."
"You don't have any real friends."

That damn little voice, I see now why people call that "voice" (it's not really audible) their inner demon....It won't fucking shut up. Day and night, always following me. Nothing fucking helps, not religion(s), not love, not family. The only way to shut it up is to stop thinking. Perhaps this is why alcohol is so damn popular...
I also wonder how many other people out there think like this, plagued by this little doubting voice.

But if you can't beat 'um....So the newer thought process is this, use that little voice as a guide

That moment where you want to say hi but don't.

Curse these damn moments. I need to get off the computer and stop staring.
Fuck it, I'm going for it. It's totally worth it, hopefully it doesn't hurt too much if I crash and burn /-:

But then I wonder, is the tension a good thing? Perhaps that's been a part of the problem? Lack of tension and anticipation?
Ugh this is making sleep difficult...

Funny how randomly I write on this thing...At least it's here for me when I need it (:

Because I hate, hate, hate confiding in people in person. I'd rather have them read about it if they care to go through the trouble of finding this blog.

Perhaps I'll never understand.

I'm confused, annoyed, hurt, and unsure.
I hope that I'm doing the right thing here, perhaps not.
Perhaps so...
We'll see I suppose.

Complex systems science.

I think I've found what I want to do with my life. Complex systems science. There are a number of reasons I'd like to do this, but primarily because it is a vast and increasing science.
Complexity is everywhere around us, from the pattern of tree growth, to human interaction, to the stock market. Complexity is everywhere. And there are so many 'rules' that complexity appears to adhere to. I've always thought, 'what makes a cell KNOW to kill that other cell', and complexity science is what is finding those answers and, more importantly, finding new questions to ask!

So many of the areas I'm interested in have complex roots and would be a great stepping stone to complexity research. Computers, linguistics, brain science, cellular science, psychology, politics, and more! I've never felt 'called' to do something until now...