perspective_of_the_cross

So there I was, just chilling with a few friends, when out of nowhere a bunch of jews decide to grab me. Little did I know they thought I was a heretic and a blasphemer. All I was doing was tying to get people to do some nice things. Love each other, nothing complicated. Apparently I pissed off the Man.
So out of nowhere they pick me up. Treat me like a terrorist or something. I mean, come on, seriously!
*sigh*
I knew it was coming, being God's son and all, but it still hurt.
The Pharisees took me to the Romans, they imprisoned me, put my poor ass up on a cross. Have you ever had that happen to you? I would recommend against it. Shit was not cash. It was uncomfortable in ways you can't imagine. Everything in my body hurt, every time I tried to relax my aching muscles it hurt more. And this went on for hours, until my body just quit, said 'I'm out, have fun.'
After that I spent three beautiful and glorious days chilling in Hell with my man Satan. You can't imagine the parties we had, raging night and night, getting so high and fuxked up on anything and everything imaginable. It was the time of my eternity.
On that last day/night/whatever dad calls down to me, 'Time to return to Earth, my son.' Goddamnit.
*sigh*
So then I returned, did some more magic to wow the crowds. Finally made my way back to boring old home, where everyone, all the time is singing glory for dad. Holy holy holy is he. Wooo.
*sigh*
I miss Hell.

bucket_list

Lists of stuff to do, places to see, and other things.
Created 2/26/2014

Things to be done:
Sky dive
Climb Halfdome
Run a Marathon at 50
Cliff dive
Learn to sail
Learn the piano

Places to visit:
Paris
Tokyo
Venice
Pisa
New York City
Ireland
Iceland
Scotland
Estonia
Sweden
Switzerland
Finland
Sudan
Tunisia
Turkey
Cape town
Johannesburg

knowing_others

You lie to yourself, you lie to me, you lie to your family, your friends, yourself.
Why are these lies all you know? Is there more that you know? Do you know how the truth works? Does it just frighten you? Are you afraid of the light?
What is projection? How does it work? Is that a thing? Or is that what we see, but don't want to believe?
Vibes, what is that shit? Moments of clarity? Visions of truth? Times where our unconscious is able to discern reality from fiction?
What would it look like, to feel what another feels? Would we gain clarity? Or would we just be confused, by the ideas, ideals, realities that another exist in?
Can one every really 'know another person'? Is that an ideal that is impossible, something unreachable, a desire people have that can't be attained?

'Everyone dies alone' is a scary phrase. But the truth seems to agree with it. Is that so bad? Is that wrong? Does it really matter if we die, with or without people?

things_and_people_and_places

Things:
Frustration
annoyance
intrigue
hatred
loathing
kindness
caring
wishing
dreaming
comming
hating
revealing
unraveling
reveling
revolting
changing
growing
changing
changing
changing

People:
Family
friends
lovers
enemies
coworkers
aquantances
strangers
haters
lovers
growers
showers
students
teachers
professors
regressers
regressers
regeresers

Places:
London
paris
italy
rome
new york
orlando
miami
boulder
chicago
utah
san fransisco
san fransisco
san fransisco

mexican_breakdown

That was one of the more odd experiences of my life. It was not fun, not good, not enjoyable. I had a fuxking breakdown in a restaurant. I freaked out, maybe a panic/anxiety attack? I don't really know. All I know is I hated it with every fibre of my being. I want to be alone. Not forever, no. I just don't know what to do, or if I should even put into words the feelings.

So I had a panic attack, that's the best way to put it. I don't really know the cause of it. Perhaps it was just the amount of people I interacted with today? Or was it something else? I don't really know. But regardless, I feel a lot better. Esp after I just let everything go, let myself feel everything. Let the tidal wave of emotions flow and just went along for the ride. There's still some left, but it's not as bad. It's tame in comparison. I can feel it there, just under the surface. Just waiting for another time, when I don't want it to happen.

The best part was the shit that was going through my mind. Crazy thoughts, paranoid thoughts, just me worrying. Freaking out wondering what was going on, am I crazy? Why can't I trust people? What is wrong with me?

There's no point to anything is there? What's the point of love? Or Art? Or anything? Who cares? Who will care in 5 years? 10 years? 2000 years? No one, everything I do will be forgotten, lost. Yet I still care. I should not care, I should not burden others with this. I should just let it pass. Ignore it. Fight it.
Yet fighting it doesn't seem to do anything. It just delays the inevitable. The breakdown.

Here goes nothing/everything:

I crumble, break and,
freak out at times.
And perhaps it gets into
my head, my heart, all
that I am.
I just don't know how
to express the way
that I am.
Who I am. What I am.
I'm an alien, a freak,
a monster, an evil,
scary human being.

Am I doomed to this?
Or those I care about
doomed as well?
Can I control it?
Or am I a failure?
I don't want to admit,
these feelings that over
take me and cause such
drama and pain.

I don't want to be the one
that causes a scene, an event,
something to behold.
Why?
What should I care?
Perhaps this is just
what I'm pinning this on,
is there something under it.
Something more? Something villainous?
Evil in me, hatred in me, loathing
in me.

I want to cry, scream, yell,
and figure this out. I want
the answers, I want to know
that I'm not alone in this.
That there are others,
feeling this way, being
this way. But how do I
find them? Oh yeah,
I need to trust them.
I am required to be the
first one to make it
known.

Can't I just follow another?
Have them figure this out
for me?

who_am_I_who_will_I_be

Will I every love anyone as much as I seem to love myself? Or am I cursed to always be the narcissist I am? Perhaps not? God damn I hope not. Zeus, Hara, anyone that's listening, please God or Gods give me a little piece of humanity. Of caring and loving others. Curse my nature. It's not 'evil' but it makes me sad, often. I want to care and love everyone, but the more I try the more I fail. Perhaps I'm just broken.
Rejected by Divine Favour? Or maybe this is just how I am. Is this something I should just accept? Something I should flee from? Or is there a point?
I've seen a lot of rather scary patterns in my life, women and how I treat them, friends and how I loose them, jobs and how I hate them. What can I do? Is this something I can change? Or am I doomed to believe, what someone once said, 'I am what I am.'

Though the more I think of it the more I can't handle that. No!! I'd rather be miserable and try to force changes upon myself than give leave to such evil in myself. I refuse. I want to do great and just things. I wnat to be good. I want to lead people, to help people learn, to change the evils in the world. I can't deal with this world. And I'm 'strong' and 'sane' by the words of friends who's opinions I hold dear. So I must keep going. I have to. I must.
I will not be this man in a month, I'll be better. And in two I'll be better than I am in one. That's my only true, real, honest goal in life. To become, as time continues, a better and better person. God give me strength.

place_of_fools

Life's a place of fools
In love, lust, or desire.
Why is it we humans always
Want something more, friendship
Is great, but we always want more.

Evolutionary remnants in a society
Where reproduction is unnecessary?
Perhaps there's more to it,
All the talk of a soul
Of a love that can't be denied.

No
Yes
What?
Where?

Can we ever know? Or is that
The curse of being a simple
Human being?

missed_moment_of_clarity

Possibly the worst thing, at least for those that write
Is to forget, a moment of clarity. Something perfect
Beautiful.
Already written in your head, at a
Moment when you can't get it down.
Then when you finally have that moment comes
It's gone. Away. Lost
Forever.

And the vain attempts to recall
Sitting around for hours, hoping to remember
Even just a bit. Just a word, phrase, rhyme.
Anything you can.

Unfortunately that's not how it goes.
If it was then everyone would be poets
Of great renown.

One last bit of thinking from this fuxked up head of mine.

Will I ever have close friends? It's so strange because anyone I've tried to get close to lately, just doesn't seem to care. They vanish oddly quick.
It's like I'm interesting and fun at first, but once I start to get 'real', they bounce.
I wonder why this is. Is it because I'm just not fun to be around? Or is it something else? Am I boring? Too crazy. Too strange? Are they just busy with other things?
Why is it my closest friend is more than 3 times my age? Is that normal? Am I an 'old soul'? Or do I just wish I was? Am I cranky? Annoying? What is it?

God damn I hate when I'm in this kind of a mood.

Ode to a missing friend.

Dear XXXXXX,
I miss you, I wish you were here. I could always talk to you, for hours and hours on end. You were so kind, yet a person of your own. You had walls that were unique. There were there, but once someone was a friend to you, all the walls fell down. Crumbled. It was such a beautiful thing. You were and will always be an inspiration to me. I will always continue to try my hardest to be as open as you were. Maybe you still are, somewhere out there, maybe closer than we know. I don't know about that kind of shit.
Oh friend I miss you, gods I hope that you're somewhere happy. Or at least you're not conscious.

me being me

Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I don't.
Why can't I just continue to love myself.
It's stupid how frivolous I can be
With money, sex, love,
And all other kinds of bullshit.
Will I ever be whole,
Fulfilled,
Happy.
Happy, what is that,
Really?
Are people ever happy,
Or is that fake, false,
Lies, and deceit.
Will I ever know?