mexican_breakdown

That was one of the more odd experiences of my life. It was not fun, not good, not enjoyable. I had a fuxking breakdown in a restaurant. I freaked out, maybe a panic/anxiety attack? I don't really know. All I know is I hated it with every fibre of my being. I want to be alone. Not forever, no. I just don't know what to do, or if I should even put into words the feelings.

So I had a panic attack, that's the best way to put it. I don't really know the cause of it. Perhaps it was just the amount of people I interacted with today? Or was it something else? I don't really know. But regardless, I feel a lot better. Esp after I just let everything go, let myself feel everything. Let the tidal wave of emotions flow and just went along for the ride. There's still some left, but it's not as bad. It's tame in comparison. I can feel it there, just under the surface. Just waiting for another time, when I don't want it to happen.

The best part was the shit that was going through my mind. Crazy thoughts, paranoid thoughts, just me worrying. Freaking out wondering what was going on, am I crazy? Why can't I trust people? What is wrong with me?

There's no point to anything is there? What's the point of love? Or Art? Or anything? Who cares? Who will care in 5 years? 10 years? 2000 years? No one, everything I do will be forgotten, lost. Yet I still care. I should not care, I should not burden others with this. I should just let it pass. Ignore it. Fight it.
Yet fighting it doesn't seem to do anything. It just delays the inevitable. The breakdown.

Here goes nothing/everything:

I crumble, break and,
freak out at times.
And perhaps it gets into
my head, my heart, all
that I am.
I just don't know how
to express the way
that I am.
Who I am. What I am.
I'm an alien, a freak,
a monster, an evil,
scary human being.

Am I doomed to this?
Or those I care about
doomed as well?
Can I control it?
Or am I a failure?
I don't want to admit,
these feelings that over
take me and cause such
drama and pain.

I don't want to be the one
that causes a scene, an event,
something to behold.
Why?
What should I care?
Perhaps this is just
what I'm pinning this on,
is there something under it.
Something more? Something villainous?
Evil in me, hatred in me, loathing
in me.

I want to cry, scream, yell,
and figure this out. I want
the answers, I want to know
that I'm not alone in this.
That there are others,
feeling this way, being
this way. But how do I
find them? Oh yeah,
I need to trust them.
I am required to be the
first one to make it
known.

Can't I just follow another?
Have them figure this out
for me?