Past

When I read a post that I have made in the past it always amazes me. Every post is so different. Like how quickly my mind changes, how quickly I change from the amazing grace of God to how depressed I am and why I don't understand it. Then I look back in my journals and it amazes me even more. I consistently have these feelings of worthlessness/helplessness/hopelessness/faithlessness/ect. . .
Sometimes I try to think that this is something that is resent, something that I have not had going on for the last six years. I don't know why I do this, maybe it is because I don't want to think about how "serious" this depression is. But that does not really matter, what matters is how to survive this. Because it kind of surprises me everyday that I got out of bed, sure I'm rarely on-time, but the fact that I can get out of bed, well that amazes me. It has to be God, because I don't have the strength to do it.
Maybe He is carrying me, like in the little "Footprints" poem, but it sure feels like I'm walking alone.