Days like these are killers. I feel like shit. I'm loathing my life. And worst of all I've gotten two tickets today. Fix it tickets, but still. And I forgot to pay my registration on my car, ergo I have to go down to the DMV to registrar it. Which is gonna be like $100 that I don't really have. And then I have rent waayyy sooner than I normally do because it's fucking February.
Then they are going to tell me I have to go do a smog check, which is another $50 I don't have. Then after all that is done I have to fix my license plate and put it on the bumper because I got an $80 ticket because it was not affixed to the bumper (fucking stupid pointless laws). So I have to find the right screw for that. And then the lights on the back bumper don't work so I'm going to have to figure out what to do with that. Because anytime I drive at night the cops are going to pull me over because I don't have the lights on. I'll more than likely get a ticket for that. Yay, another fix-it ticket.
There is also the dentist, who I owe $170 to. And then I have to get insurance next month because my year is up, so I have to have something like $300 or more to "open" my account again.
And if you couldn't tell already I'm feeling very pessimistic today.
And to top it all off my faith is slowly dying. I'm trying to do everything in my power to save it, but nothing is working. And it scares the fucking hell out of me. I guess I'll just keep praying, not like I have anything else I can do.
Half of me is glad that no one reads this, the other half is sad that people don't care about me.
Oh! And there's that part! I'm one of the most self-centered people I know. I mean look at this blog, all I ever talk about is me! Hahahahaha!
Maybe that's why Christ and I are not doing so well, because my ego does not want to let Him in. I don't know. With Christianity there is so much to do, it's all so hard. And you have to self-sacrifice. Which is not easy in any way/shape/form. It is so anti-human.
Part of me just wants to scream at God, ask Him why he is doing this. And there is the part of me that KNOWS that I don't even deserve to live, let alone be so lucky as to live in one of the most wealthy countries in the world.
And I wouldn't be surprised if all this anger and sadness is all from breaking up with Promise. Because grief of any kind never hits me quickly. It takes awhile and then paralyzes me.
It's days like these I really miss her...
Sometimes life sucks and a lot of people try to "help" by telling you a Bible verse and saying "just try harder" when really you just need them to listen to you because you are going through crap and a dark night of the soul. So I'm not going to do that. What I will say is that I will join in praying for you and more specifically that God will meet you in this time of crap.
ReplyDeleteI care. And I still read this blog, even though that might be considered anti-productive. You always told me that I was strong enough to get through anything, and regardless if you even believe in any sort of religious convention right now, I will tell you the same thing: You are strong enough to get through anything. No matter how hard, chaotic, tramautic, or random life can be, you will pave your own way and make it in the end. I believe in you.
ReplyDelete